The Elias forum: ďExperience is your best teacher.Ē










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DANIIL: ďI seem to be somewhat frustrated with my objective life. I am 32 years old, and I know many cases in history and around me where people came to be professionals and at that age came to be even masters at some creative art or music or science or other creative and good occupations, professions, dedications.

In my case, I have been changing places where I live, I have been changing fields where I work, and so I didnít gain what one may call professionalism and momentum and dedication in any particular field, although I thought I had potential in several fields. How can that be resolved and how does that correlate with my choice to change aspects more drastically than most people, and has it been effective in that way?

ELIAS: I may express to you, first of all, do not generate comparison between yourself and other individuals. This merely discounts you and also discounts the other individuals, and this generates a perception of devaluing your worth. I shall also express to you that this moves quite consistent with your intent and your alteration of primary aspects in the manner in which you do.

Therefore, allow yourself the recognition that although other individuals may generate a specific direction and create what you term to be successfulness in a specific career at a particular age, so to speak, that is the choice that they generate and is associated with their direction. Acknowledge your own direction and allow yourself to not generate comparison of yourself, for your direction is unique and is not bad or less than any other individualís direction.

In this, my friend, let me also express to you, in appreciation of your expressions and your choices and your directions, you shall allow yourself much more freedom and much more of an expression of playfulness in this changeability that you express. For you express a tremendous flexibility, but you generate also a rigidness in discounting of yourself. Your natural movement, your natural expression of energy, is in flexibility. Therefore, you generate frustration and conflict in attempting to force yourself to be more rigid and to be moving in alignment with societal expectations. This is not a natural expression of your energy, and that is what generates the conflict and the frustration that you are experiencing.

DANIIL: Other than playfulness, is there any suggestion you can offer me to be aware of this? Because talking to you, naturally I feel more aware, hopefully maybe much more aware. But in my daily life, I feel as if Iím surrounded by a glass wall, as if I am in dream state that I cannot easily break.

Also, in dealing with people Iím trying to control myself, because mature behavior doesnít come naturally to me, and in that control it seems I generate more awareness but also contribute to that auto-pilot, to that dream state that Iím trying to shake off.

ELIAS: And this is directly associated with your continued attempt to force yourself to express what is not natural within your energy expression and within your focus.

I may express to you, my friend, incorporate a time framework, perhaps engage an exercise for what you term to be one week, and allow yourself to be expressing freedom in your natural flow of energy. What I am saying to you is rather than continuing to attempt to express control or rigidness or what you have assessed as appropriate behavior, allow yourself an experiment, an exercise; and in this, in your daily expressions, allow yourself to merely freely express you in the moment and do not restrict yourself. This shall offer you the opportunity to relax, and it shall also offer you the opportunity to view how much more easily you may be moving within your focus if you are allowing yourself this freedom.

It is unnecessary that you conform to the guidelines of other individuals or of the expectations of societies. You are a unique individual, and your expression is unique to you. Denying yourself the freedom of your natural expressions merely generates conflict and thickness and fear and discounting of yourself.

It matters not, my friend. You engage a game in this physical dimension, and in this game you are merely choosing to explore and experience in a physical manifestation. Allow yourself to generate your own rules and not concern yourself with the expectations and the rules of other individuals. For as you appreciate and accept you and allow your freedom of your expression, other individuals shall be accepting of you also.Ē [session 1130, July 12, 2002]


JOANNE: ďI was wondering if my focus Ė Iím not talking about focus as in presence; Iím talking about my focus, how I go about things in the world Ė becomes very narrow in a lot of instances. Maybe thatís a negative connotation, but it sort of continues on with our previous discussion about what Iím creating in my work situation. (1) A lot of things seem to be rolled up in a lot of confusion, and emotion is being built up in this area.

Iím a master of repeating things over and over. I wonít call them mistakes, but I donít learn my lessons quickly at all; I do repeat. One of the things I am repeating is I give a lot of myself, I extend myself a lot, which leaves me open to manipulation, especially if Iím attracted to someone but even in a work situation. Iím always surprised by that, because Iím just sort of me and then people seem to devalue that giving in some way. Iíd really like to understand what Iím creating here and why.

ELIAS: Very well. Let us examine this scenario. In one sense you generate an association that openness and vulnerability is good for it is noble; but in another sense you associate that openness and vulnerability is bad, for it offers an avenue in which you perceive that other individuals shall be manipulating or taking advantage.

Now; the key is to evaluate and objectively recognize what your genuine associations are and what motivates that, what are the beliefs that are influencing of your perception and of what you do.

Now; in this scenario, the identification of the good aspect of openness and vulnerability is a camouflage, for although there is an association that this type of expression is good, as I have stated, there is also an association that it is noble. This is the indication of camouflage, and this is the information that allows you to recognize that there is a camouflage action being expressed. For in actuality, there is a motivation of expectation which influences this choice to be projecting this openness or vulnerability.

In actuality, what motivates that action within you is your expectation that if you generate this type of expression, other individuals shall be more accepting of you or other individuals shall be recognizing your value and your worth. But you also generate an association with the belief that openness and vulnerability is bad, for as I have stated, it creates an avenue in which other individuals shall take advantage or manipulate.

It is valuable to you to understand your beliefs and how they influence your choices. For once recognizing what is influencing your choices and what you express, you may evaluate what other choices are available to you, and you may recognize what actions you are choosing which are influenced by discounting of yourself, and in what moments you are generating expectations.

The reason that you surprise yourself is that you are expressing conflicting beliefs; but in actuality they are not necessarily conflicting, for the one is merely a camouflage. The other is much more influencing. But this offers you information concerning yourself, in which you may turn your attention to you and you may inquire of yourself how you may offer your validation to yourself and therefore generate an acceptance of yourself and not seek this out in the expressions of other individuals.

As I have stated previously, you create what you concentrate upon, and your concentration is not expressed in thought. It is expressed in the dominating beliefs that are influencing of your perception. Therefore, you attempt to be expressing outwardly an openness, but you generate precisely what you concentrate upon in association with the dominant belief, which is if you are open and vulnerable, other individuals shall manipulate. But the other individuals are not manipulating. YOU are creating that, for you shall create in association with your beliefs and generate an outward manifestation of that to reflect what your beliefs are expressing.

This is actually purposeful, for it offers you the reflection and offers you the opportunity to actually physically view the reflection of what you are generating inwardly.

JOANNE: I find the situation Ė Iíll use work because thatís what Iím sort of absorbed in right now Ė very interesting because Iím creating different relationships with different people. Thereís one person that I guess Iím dealing with a personal attraction, that type of relationship. Another one is a very accepting relationship, where I will go and have interaction with this person and I feel totally accepted and totally wonderful afterwards. And then another person is exactly the opposite.

I find it confusing, and it comes down to the issue for me that Iím just too much, like we talked about me having a zealous nature and a passionate nature.

ELIAS: Let me offer to you information in association with this presentment, for the manner in which you are viewing it is quite black and white.

Now; this is what generates the confusion and the frustration. In actuality, what you are engaging is generating different types of interactions to allow yourself to become more familiar with your preferences and with what you want.

This is actually quite purposeful, my friend, for as you are aware, as we have spoken previously, at times you generate confusion in relation to identifying precisely what you want. You generate a general knowing of what you want, but in narrowing that to specifics it becomes less clear as to what you actually want precisely in association with relationships. For the most part you generate a clarity in association to your creativity or what you term to be your work, but in association with relationships there is less clarity.

Therefore you are offering yourself experiences, in a manner of speaking to be experimenting, allowing yourself to experience different types of interactions, which offers you information with regard to yourself and your preferences and the types of interactions that you may recognize that you dislike and those that you like, those that you prefer, those that you do not prefer, and in this familiarizing yourself with you more clearly, not necessarily to be generating a relationship with any of these individuals presently in intimacy, but rather offering yourself information which allows you to more clearly view yourself intimately, in which you may thusly apply that information in generating a relationship with another individual.

In actuality, my friend, I am acknowledging of your method, for it is quite efficient. You are generating an opportunity to physically view different types of interactions and evaluate a recognition of your individual preferences, which is quite efficient.

JOANNE: Iíd like to target one of the relationships just so I can see some clarity, and thatís with the president of the company. There is struggle there. I donít know if itís personality or ... Iím just not clear what Iím creating with him, but itís very uncomfortable. I love my work and I love what I do; I love the creating and I can just keep going. Where my interaction with one person may cause me to feel more motivated and keep going, as soon as I have a conversation with this person, I just feel like backing off and just saying no. You want to give as much as you can, because I do give a lot; I work hours that are incredible. I donít know whether heís affecting it, or as long as itís to his advantage... I donít know, I donít feel comfortable with that relationship at all. If nothing else, it causes me to be completely almost not wanting to go to work anymore, which is a huge change for me.

ELIAS: And what is the reflection?

JOANNE: Iím not clear what youíre asking me.

ELIAS: There is a reflection, and you have expressed it in your explanation. You generate challenge and difficulty with this individual, for as you have stated, you do not express conflict with engaging many hours of work and concentrating much of your attention in association with your job.

Now; in this, you express that in interaction with some individuals your response is to be generating more motivation to continue creating what you do. But in relation to this one individual you experience conflict and a lack of motivation, and your identification of the reason is that you assess that this individual expects or perhaps even demands that you be generating this type of action.

Now; do you view the reflection within yourself? YOU demand this within yourself and YOU expect this within yourself, but you also, which is quite clearly associated with your previous question, generate an expectation of other individuals. You expect their appreciation and acknowledgment, for you are attempting to offer to yourself a validation and appreciation through the expressions of other individuals rather than offering that to yourself and therefore naturally generating that in the reflection of other individuals as a natural by-product of your own acceptance. Therefore, you present yourself with another reflection, that you may offer yourself information concerning what you are generating.

You are not offering yourself the acceptance and validation; you are seeking it from other individuals. You accept that from other individuals in the moments and scenarios in which you may offer that to yourself, and not consistently; but that is a manifestation of your expectation. You also present to yourself an individual that does not express that to you, but expresses to you a mirror of what you are generating within yourself. This creates what you may identify as an irritant to you, for this is the aspect of yourself that you are not allowing yourself to view.

But this is significant, for it is the direction in which you want to move, which we discussed previously. You want to move into an expression of freedom within yourself, which requires acceptance and trust and validating yourself rather than seeking this out as an acquisition from other individuals, for other individuals cannot actually offer this expression to you genuinely. It is your choice to be expressing that within yourself. And in this scenario, you have quite efficiently created an interaction with an individual that clearly mirrors you to you.

JOANNE: Itís funny; Iíve got one extreme, another extreme, and someone in the middle. My impressions have been that the someone in the middle, who was a motivating factor for me for that type of attraction issue as well, Iím starting to get some of the negative feelings as well, the taking advantage.

Anyway, with the negative individual, how do I change that? I understand about acceptance of self Ė well, I understand the concept! Do I know how to apply it? Well, Iím working on that! (Elias laughs) Because my behaviorís almost like, ĎWell, you know what? It doesnít matter.í I hate feeling that way. I hate not having the passion about something, but that interaction causes the passion to just leave me.

ELIAS: No, YOU generate that. It is not the other individual that is creating that; YOU are creating that. Therefore, it is an opportunity to view what YOU are doing and offer yourself choice, for what you are generating in this scenario is denying your choice. You allow yourself this passion if the conditions are correct. You generate guidelines within yourself concerning conditions, and if the conditions are correct you shall express your passion. If they are not, you shall not. And you associate these conditions quite strongly with other individuals.

What you are essentially doing is crediting your reality and your choices and your abilities to other individuals: ĎIf I generate certain conditions in relation to certain individuals based upon their personality and their energy expression and their acceptance, they shall allow me to freely express myself and my passion and my creativity.í You have allowed the other individual to direct your choices and you have discounted yourself. You have credited the other individual with your expressions, and that actually discounts the other individual also. In like manner, you generate the same action in reverse: ĎBased upon the personality and expression of another individual, I credit that individual with sabotaging my motivation and murdering my passion.í

Where are YOU steering your ship in all of these scenarios? It is quite clear how you are allowing other individuals to steer your ship into the open sea of freedom or colliding into enormous glaciers. But where are YOU steering your ship?

JOANNE: Youíre asking that question?


JOANNE: (Sighs) At the beginning of the relationship Ė Iím talking about the work relationship thatís entwined with all these other relationships Ė I was experiencing huge freedom and huge passion in myself, and I was just creating this almost effortlessly. I was surprising myself at how much I could create and how much energy I have. Then I got scared and starting creating the complexities in these relationships.

Yesterday is a perfect example. I was in a meeting with three other men, and Iím the only female here. I realize Iím a strong female, though. I was very vocal. I was the most vocal one, and I was passionate and all of that stuff. I left the room, I came back in and I started being passionate again, and I could see not withdrawal but almost annoyance on their faces, and I backed off at that point. I thought, ĎOkay, Iím being too much.í

I guess thatís my fear coming into it. Iím not allowing myself a complete freedom, and thatís what Iím reflecting in other people or other people are reflecting that back to me.

ELIAS: Correct.

JOANNE: I want to stop that. It just feels like a ball and chain, and Iíve dragged it for most of my life. Iíve suppressed myself and my passion for most of my life. But Iím also afraid that if I let that loose, not only in work where Iím more able to do that, but even in personal relationships, that Iíll intimidate people. In fact, I say that Ė I say that I intimidate people! I canít intimidate someone without their permission, but this is what Iím reflecting.

ELIAS: And this is what you continue to create, for this is what you believe. In this, you are concerning yourself with the other individual, NOT paying attention to you and not paying attention to your natural flow of energy, and doubting yourself, concerning yourself with how you shall be perceived by other individuals. You shall be perceived by other individuals in the manner in which you project, and if you are trusting of yourself, you shall be received in this manner. If you are doubting of yourself, you shall also create the perception of other individuals precisely as you have, in impatience or annoyance.

Now; in this, experiment. As you present yourself with your next scenario of this type, allow yourself to pay attention, notice. In the moment in which you notice that you are beginning to generate this type of reflection of impatience or annoyance or any of these negative associations as you term them to be Ė which you do notice quite immediately Ė once noticing, literally eliminate the other individuals from your perception. Pretend the other individuals do not exist. Therefore, you now are occupying the room alone and you may express whatever you choose in whatever manner you choose to express it Ė in tremendous passion, in enthusiasm, in a tremendous projection of energy Ė and it matters not, for there are no other individuals present to express judgment. Experiment!

JOANNE: Thatís wonderful. I will.

ELIAS: This may be a method in which you may allow yourself to move beyond that automatic response of altering your expression in association with fear and discounting yourself.

JOANNE: In the moment when that happens, what I end up doing is acknowledging their behavior or their response to me, and then I react to that.

ELIAS: You are acknowledging your PERCEPTION of their response to you, and reacting to that expression and altering your expression in association with that perception. But that perception is quite influenced by your beliefs and your discounting of yourself. Therefore, if you eliminate the other individuals, you also are choosing to not generate an automatic response. You are offering yourself a choice. You are not eliminating the belief, but you are choosing a different response.

JOANNE: So when I do that, then I would naturally flow. I wouldnít be pulling myself back or discounting of myself or laughing it off with them that Iím being too much or anything like that. Iíd just continue on doing what I do.

ELIAS: Correct, and the more that you express your acceptance and trust of yourself and the lack of doubt of yourself, the more you reflect that. You shall reflect to yourself what you project. If you are discounting of yourself and you are not trusting, you shall reflect that in other individuals. In like manner, if you are trusting of yourself, this also shall be reflected in actual physical reality.

But I am quite understanding the familiarity of interaction with other individuals, and all of the beliefs and associations connected with that interaction and how influencing it may be. In that familiarity, many times it is quite difficult to not be reacting. Therefore if you are offering yourself an alternative, a manner in which you may shift your perception temporarily to one that is unfamiliar, you allow yourself different choices.

Therefore in moving AROUND the fear, recognizing that it is being expressed but allowing yourself to move around it in pretending that the other individuals do not exist temporarily, you may offer yourself a new freedom to express yourself, and this offers you a practice to be acknowledging of yourself, to be expressing freely, to not be creating limitations or obstacles, and to steer your own ship and not allow the other individuals to steer your ship.

JOANNE: So that will equate to, once my natural flow is flowing, I will create with however much passion and energy I have. When Iím tired Iíll go home, when Iím motivated Iíll work, and if someone says, ĎGreat job!í or ĎWow, Iíve really got you ratcheted up to do a good job!í or ĎYouíve got more work to do,í it will just roll off.

ELIAS: Correct. Allow yourself to view what you have expressed. In the beginning you freely expressed; you experienced effortlessness; you allowed a free flow; you expressed a passion and a joyfulness in that passion. Subsequently you began to concern yourself with the perceptions of other individuals, and in that turn you move into the familiar of projecting your attention outside of yourself and allowing other individuals to dictate your choices rather than allowing yourself to generate your choices.

JOANNE: I guess that would lead into part of what I wanted to talk about, which was not being clear on my boundaries. If weíre living in self, and I know we talk about it and the concept is wonderful, but in reality itís also very difficult to apply sometimes, or a lot of the time, and it takes a lot of practice.

Do we need boundaries? Do we need the ability to separate what is the other person and what is us?

ELIAS: No, for it is all you. And what is the expression of boundaries? Protection. And what shall you generate protection in relation to? Yourself? Why?

JOANNE: Well, the other person. But then, if weíre creating it, then what weíre inviting the other person to mirror back to us is...

ELIAS: Correct. Boundaries are unimportant and unnecessary, for it is an expression of protection, and the expression of protection implies that another individual incorporates the ability and the power to create some of your reality, and they do not.

JOANNE: Itís starting to make sense. Itís just practicing it that I need to practice! (Elias laughs)

Part of it is I also push. I guess as I become more accepting of self and trusting of self, that pushing and struggling may fall by the wayside. Is that related?

ELIAS: Yes, for it is unnecessary to push or to force. Merely allow, and you shall generate much more freedom.

JOANNE: I have one more relationship issue. I love to build with people, just bring them out and see them blossom. Itís a wonderful experience for me. Iím realizing that I love being with people and Iím good with them, where I was questioning that before.

I am creating this in this work situation as well. I was doing that with an individual and then we had to lay him off. I intended to go and speak to him very humanely. It wasnít my decision to lay him off, but I have a managerial role there so he may have perceived that. But anyway, it severed the building of that relationship. I didnít have the noogies to go and talk to this person just like a person. I felt sad myself that he was laid off, and I didnít know how to handle that with him without wanting to fix his disappointment. I feel frustrated and I feel guilty, and I know guilt is useless. I feel sad and I regret not having done that.

ELIAS: And every moment is an opportunity for another choice.

JOANNE: But can I fix this? Or just let it go?

ELIAS: It is not a matter of fixing; it is a matter of offering yourself a choice. What do you want?

JOANNE: I wanted to be able to speak to this person as a human being and accept my compassion and open a dialogue.

ELIAS: And if this is what you want, offer yourself permission to generate that. One choice in one moment is not absolute and solid and unchangeable.

JOANNE: Heís not there anymore, so... Well, that one Iím going to have to stew about for a bit, because it still doesnít sit well in my tummy, but weíll go from there.Ē [session 1132, July 13, 2002]

End Notes:

(1) Paulís note: Joanne (Saraan) refers to two previous sessions: 1090, May 24, 2002 and 1111, June 12, 2002.

Digests Ė see also: | accepting self | aspects of essence | attention (doing and choosing) | belief systems; an overview | camouflage | choices/agreements | dimension | desires/wants | effortlessness | fear | focus | information | intents | manifestation | noticing self | objective/subjective awareness | perception | sexuality; gender, orientation, preference | trusting self | you create your reality |

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