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In Loving Memory of Vicki Pendley-Churchman

A collection of thoughts about Vicki and the tributes paid to her at the time of her disengagement on 12/6/01.

PART I

Paul Helfrich:
As many of you know, Vicki was a waitress by profession, though she had done many different things to earn a living in her younger days. During the past six and a half years, her full-time job was transcribing, editing, and disseminating the Elias transcripts. Her waitressing was down to two days a week, when Jo and I first moved here to Castaic, CA in early 1998. For the past two-plus years, it was down to just one day a week. Her love had become the Elias transcripts.

There was a beautiful piece written about her in today’s local paper (a “rag” in terms of big city papers like the LA Times). Still, the writer, John Boston, knew Vic for many years. Without further ado, here’s his memorial in the Santa Clarita Signal:

On Pirates, Hash and Missing Ms. Pendley

Vicki in Brattleboro, VT. Photo by Cathy Chartier. “Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
An angel writing in a book of gold: -

Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
And to the presence in the room he said,
‘What writest thou?’ - The vision raised its head,
And with a look made of all sweet accord,
Answered, ‘The names of those that love the Lord.’
‘And is mine one?’ said Abou. ‘Nay, not so,’
Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
But cheerily still; and said, ‘I pray thee, then,
Write me as one that loves his fellow men.’
The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
It came again with a great wakening light,
And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
And lo! Ben Adhem’s name led all the rest.” (— JHL Hunt, 1859)

Years ago, I had an ongoing conversation with a friend. She was logarithmically smarter than me and there were times I felt I was just making quizzical monkey noises from 42 rungs below on the evolutionary ladder. She knew things. Opera. Japanese poetry. The Bible. I’ve opened King James a couple of times. In between donkeys and smiting, there is much good poetry, magic and method.

My friend talked about serving in ordinariness. Her own life was a roadmap to the concept. Me? I just despised that thought. Serving? In ordinariness? I’d shrivel inwardly like a vampire.

I have not liked ordinary. Blessing and curse, I am overt. I had long missing parentheses of attention in my youth and I’m still trying to make up for it. Serving? Ptooey. Ordinariness? Ah, go on. I want to be a rock guitarist and I can’t play a note.

I knew, not so well, someone who served in ordinariness.

She wore these corny T-shirts with odd slogans. One had out-of-focus printing that read: “Too Much Sex Will Blur Your Vision.” And you’d find yourself squinting in a most undignified fashion at her chest. She wore metal taps on her shoes just so she could hear herself walk. She had the biggest smile and it didn’t seem to matter whether she was sick or how down she was or how relentlessly crappy her day was going, she’d just erupt in this grin that said, “God’s in heaven, I’m at work, and all’s right with the world.”

For more years than I can count, Vicki Pendley served me breakfast.

Which, by the way, is the most important meal of the day. (Another friend, not half as wise as my dear philosopher gal, spoke briefly on why the morning meal is so vital. He said: “Because if you’re not home by breakfast...”

For 30 years now, about three times a week on average, I’ve been having my most important meal outside my home.

In these days when most restaurants are stretchable themes based on Denny’s, I dine at a little cowboy coffee shop called The Way Station in old Downtown Newhall. There are license plates from every state in the Union (except for Delaware) hanging on the wall, next to old photographs of the town I was raised in that no longer exists. I’d probably kill for this one ancient instructional poster on the art of rodeo and cowboying. In three decades, they haven’t changed the menu, although the Pineapple Burger mysteriously disappeared somewhere between 1979 and 1983. The Way Station serves these breakfasts big as a prairie—wide, rolling expanses of piping hot foods loosely based on a beige theme: hotcakes, both kinds of gravy, potatoes, hash, eggs, waffles, breakfast meats from a wide variety of domestic and semi-domestic farm animals and this really bad coffee that gives you a disturbing, acidic reflex after the ninth free refill.

I didn’t think about it until I heard about Vicki. Consistently, I have had the best time of my life at The Way Station.

There are memorable horseback rides and Christmas parties. Certainly I can recall just sitting on my porch at home, watching the rain or sitting with friends. I can remember road trips and being so much in love or like that it hurts. But consistently, day in, day out, I always at least smile and mostly, I laugh, at The Way Station.

It’s a second home.

An immense family lives there.

The place opens before dawn.

How many conversations did Vicki have hours before I arrived? The Way Station opens at 5, but Vicki and her friends would get there long before to open. That means the morning alarm rattled for some at 3 a.m.

I can hear the roosters: “Turn... that... damn... thing... OFF!!”

Me, I saunter in closer to brunch. How did that woman have any smiles left by the time I got there?

Most of us are such selfish so-&-so’s, myself included. How many people did she serve in a day? By the time The Way Station closes with the last stragglers after 2 p.m., where, in her soul’s fuel tank, did Vicki find the reserve to crack a joke, offer some oddball encyclopedic gee-whiz trivia, metaphysical question or simple, “How are you?”

You know what I like about Vicki?

When she asked that, she meant it.

Over the years, I’ve had all sorts of answers. I’d tell Vicki I was lonely because my sweetie Chris was out of town for two days or I was feeling absolutely great because it was such a beautiful day out (How’s that for rubbing it in? Vicki’s stuck inside the French Toast Dungeon and I bounce in from the sunshine?). When I was under the weather, she’d always have some Druid-like hare-brained cure to offer involving herb tea, compost and whiskey.

Vicki was kind of a Hippie.

The best kind.

You put things together, long after the fact. At first I thought Ms. Pendley was on some physical fitness kick because she was losing weight. Some distant part of you notices it’s too much weight, something isn’t right. But the conscious you doesn’t put it together and we are somehow conditioned to inappropriate politeness. And besides. She’s smiling.

She never went to a doctor.

A lot of people want stats. They want a baseball card of symptoms. They want sizes, weight, height, name and birthplace of germs and foreign cells.

Who did this?

My own cheap, unasked-for thought is that we make our own lives. We make our own passing. (Sorry. Much as I miss her, I don’t believe in death.) I suspect some very attractive new place—maybe some locale with that house on a beach she always wanted— was sweetly calling. Among the few things I know about Vicki: She had a pirate’s heart and adventures can be so irresistible.

I spent two hours the other night, dumbly fumbling through a Concordance and Bible, trying to find that haunting passage about serving in ordinariness, how magnificently glorious it is. I couldn’t find it.

What do I know about God? Not much.

All I know is that it was immensely gracious for someone to bring me gossip, a bad joke, an infectiously wicked laugh and breakfast.

And lo, I think Vicki Pendley’s name leads all the rest.

John Boston’s Mr. Santa Clarita Valley column appears Wednesday through Saturday. To reach Boston, dial 259-1234, ext. 242.

Copyright 2001 John Boston.

*****

John Boston was kind enough to attend the memorial service held to honor Vicki during the Castaic 2002 Group Session on January 20, 2002, and read his beautiful tribute to Vicki.

(From the Elias Digest #1557, 12/6/01):

Margot:
Hi guys.......this isn’t going to be long, but since I’m in digest mode with this list, I don’t get the mail as quick as the some of the rest of you do, so I’m imagining that many of you are as stunned and speechless as Howard and I are about Vic’s passing today. This is really really tough, this death....I’ve lost so many people very close to me, but well, this is tough, and I’m not handling it well.

We’ve spoken at length with Ron, and then with Bobbi, and I was talking a little while ago with Paul and Jo Helfrich, and we agreed that Vic has been the hub of the Elias phenomenon, and I simply can’t figure out how we handle this without her. Howard and I would still not have heard about Elias and Mary if it hadn’t been for Vicki, who became my best friend and confidante......and in fact, our friendship with both her and Ron quickly blossomed in the spring of 1997 into annual trips to Castaic to be with them over July 4th and New Year’s.......and of course their best friends became our best friends.

So tonight, quite selfishly, I suppose, I can’t figure out who I’m gonna turn to when there’s something I can’t figure out ’cause Vic always helped me when I got into that place and now there’s a big hole in my life.

And it won’t be long until we’re all saying stuff like, “Geez, Vic, what a way to go,” and I have to agree that she sure did it good, but damn, right now I’m really hating it..........

Howard and I are leaving for Castaic tomorrow afternoon as soon as we can get away from work, so I’m gonna be out of touch for a while.

I love each of you so much........I guess I never said that before, and it’s about time, isn’t it? Thank you for being in my life and sharing your thoughts and love with me. Oh, so sadly.......

*****

Cathy C:
I’m not exactly coherent myself, Margot. I’ve been up all night working on some projects. As a rule I can still function. But, after reading your email, (even though you said you sent a note to Bonnie) I immediately felt the urge to call Mary Jane. I couldn’t do it... I just couldn’t focus well enough to even find her number. I fumbled, and mentally stumbled until I just had to stop and gather myself.

I just can’t get over it. How can it be?! It seems all so un-real! It’s all so.. surreal! It’s like discovering the reality of death for the first time, all over again! It’s so hard to imagine that she’s not here anymore! I keep thinking, surely I’ll wake up and find out this has been all a strange dream. I’ve been wondering how her final transition went. Was she conscious of the fact that she was dying? Did she pass out and die? Did she take a nap and just pass? And, I can’t help wondering what she’s going through this very moment? What’s she thinking? Is she aware of the physical plane? Is she aware she’s even dead?! Wasn’t her favorite Oversoul7 character the older woman who didn’t realize she’d died? And, another thing is happening, that happens to me when people I know die.. I wonder if they are aware of what I’m thinking and feeling. In fact, I almost feel a bit vulnerable? I guess I tend to think that as soon as people die, they become omniscient? But, I suppose they’re really too busy with their new reality, to bother much with anyone other than the people closest to them.

In retrospect, can you think of anything that she said or did that indicated she intuitively knew, and had made the decision to die. I had the urge to go back to the Elias web site and look at the photographs of Vic and the gang. My heart goes out to all of them. She was such a part of their lives........

I have to really admire Ron’s quiet strength of conviction that it was her choice. As I said, I like the idea that we create our own realities, but I’m just not sure. You know what, though... One of the things that I’ve said before, especially about my brother, is that one of the reasons I felt he ‘had’ to still exist after his death, is that, how was it possible that I was able to still to love someone so intensely, if there was no one there to still love? I wasn’t loving something non-existent! I guess love is a strong bridge between the worlds of the physical and the nonphysical. And that Ron is satisfied is probably because he ‘knows’.. He senses her. He’s so strongly connected to her.

Again, I don’t remember if I told you that I learned of my grandmother’s death just about an hour after it happened. We were out of town, and were on our way back to my mother’s house. The drive was about an hour long. It was a beautifully warm autumn day. It was still, and the shadows were lengthening. I was completely grief stricken. But, all the way home, I kept ‘seeing’ her up on the passing hillsides (without any visual image - if that makes any sense), and I kept ‘hearing’ her (without actually hearing any voices) She was speaking to me, telling me over and over again, in the calmest and most reassuring way, “It’s Ok!”.... “It’s all right!” She was trying to tell me not to worry about her. It’s funny how I let that sort of experience get away from me. I mean.. how can I doubt the continued existence of the spirit when things like that happen!?

I really get a strong sense that Vicki is totally at peace.

Oh, I forgot... I thought about Vicki yesterday. I noticed some blue glass dolphins and stopped what I was doing, and just thought about Vicki for a few minutes. I was also in the strangest mood all day.. not bad, not good, not depressed.. I can’t describe it, but it was definitely different. I just felt out of it, and like there was some reason I should be sad but didn’t know why. So, I was quiet and withdrawn all day. Vic and I hadn’t been in touch in quite a while, but a few years ago she and I experienced some strong connections. I wonder if I felt her yesterday......

*****

(From the Elias Digest #1559):

Ken:
I am sitting here. Words where are you???

*****

Katie: ........I have words...WHAT???? HOW??????
Was she ill? Did she just go poof? Was there an accident? Just one week ago today I went to this palm reader. I didn’t put much stock into what she said about future events, but she nailed me on my present and past. One of the things she said about future was that a female friend of mine was going to die soon. I said to myself...“Nahhh...”

I only had the privilege of meeting Vic once in person. It was at the Huntsville gathering. I really didn’t know what to expect in meeting any of the folks that showed up, and still was surprised at my responses. Vic felt like a sister. Though I haven’t had that objectively close a relationship with her in this focus....the sister feeling persists. God, yes, she will be missed.

*****

KC: ..... and I love you all too...I don’t want to believe this...

*****

Ted: ..........I am in complete shock.
Love all of you guys and gals
my goodness we will miss her.

*****

KC: Axel, Teddy! And everyone, Vic adored the ocean. I sent her and Ron a painting in blue that I did of the sea in winter in Hawaii, and she hung it next to her very favorite painting in their home. I love her so...
Embraces.......

*****

Leslie S.:
Thank you for letting me know. I heard it from Anji in Germany. It’s strange how much it affected me and in how many different ways. I never even met her and yet her disengaging touched my life in a remarkable and unexplainable way. Very intense.

No matter how much information we have gathered from Elias, losing someone, even when you know they are ok is still a very painful experience. My very best to you and Howard. I’m sure this has been a very difficult time for you both.

*****

(From the Elias Digest #1560):

Ted: my goodness we will miss her.

Lynda: Me2 Teddy... hugely. I’m numb. I spoke with Mary briefly yesterday. She’s in New York with Ben and her other friends there. Needless to say, she’s in shock. She said she would be in touch and I just wanted to ask us all to send lots of energy her way and of course to Ron and the family and to those closest to Vicki.

I dun get it...love you guys...

*****

Lynda: Bobbi called me late yesterday afternoon. She said Vicki didn’t feel well and laid down on the couch and that was kinda that. Ron called her (Bobbi) as Vicki seemed to get worse and Bobbi came over to their house and was there when Vicki went. Very fast.

*****

KC: She just laid down and disengaged?! I am putting my order in, I want what she’s having!
Love and all the colors!

*****

Katie: Now that is the way I would want to go.....I sure have to credit Vic on that. Now I gotta go call Lisa and tell her.

*****

Linda:
I feel such a rush of sorrow here. It’s just so hard to come to terms with this right now.

I remember a similar situation when my friend Cathy wrote to tell me her husband had died suddenly of an aneurysm. There’s no way to sort of ease into this sort of info in email. It just bolts up at you from the page. “Vicki died last Thursday.” Same thing with Cathy’s husband Mark: “Mark died last week.” It’s so final, there’s no decision involved, it’s acceptance pure and simple. There you go, don’t expect to hear from Vicki again.

And then I have these rushes of thoughts and memories associated with this person I knew as Vicki. I met her in person once, but feel as if I knew her intimately through her words and her presence in my life. She’d been with me since 1996. Once she even offered to take my cat when no one else would help me. I came “that” close to shipping that cat off to her in California. Only Vicki would have played that game with me. But I sit and cry for someone I barely had physical contact with. And where do these tears come from? Why do we mourn a passing like this? Why question it? I can almost hear Vicki say this. She was very dear to me.

*****

(From the Elias Digest #1562):

Fran:
I have my words back now. I just got word that I have been officially kicked off the “Cold-hearted Bitches” bench. I am feeling so overwhelmed by grief this morning and have this tremendous sense of loss. This has brought me an important realization - that I think of all of you more as my family than those people I am biologically connected to, and I feel like I have lost a sibling.

While I was writing the above, my cats were in my bedroom on a rampage. When I went to investigate I found that they had knocked a beautiful porcelain rose off my nightstand and it was shattered. Will we really survive this shift?

*****

Carla:
Our pets, as mentioned before, are our supreme mirrors...Your little guys are mirroring what’s going on with you...Roses are quite indicative of love/friendship & for them to be shattered, well, that’s quite indicative of your heart being broken. Reminds me of that Patsy Cline song; “I Fall to Pieces”

If I keep having Fridays like this, I WILL fall to pieces!!

*****

Pat B:
I walked away from the computer to do my other daily things and then it hit me, I want to share/help anyone who is feeling grief (this, by the way is one of my callings, says Elias.)

Anyway, during the times I have had to deal with this grief, I seem to ALWAYS turn to the book...Illusions by Richard Bach. I have read and reread this book so many times, and each time it speaks to me and helps me to understand. I have also given this book to anyone who loses someone dear, they can read it or not, doesn’t matter, but the possiblity is there for them.

I will share how I came across this book. When I was thirty I had three young children and my then husband (32 yrs) died unexpectedly overnight in our bed. Needless to say I was a space case. I felt so alone, so afraid...gee, it is hard to have words for such despair.

Well, three days after, while I was cleaning out a shed I found this box of stuff from his college days. I sat down and began to look through it. There was Illusions in paperback just sitting there calling to me. At first I thought it was some sort of religious junk-book and sat it aside. But it kept calling. So as I sat on my front porch I began to read it. I didn’t move from my step until I read it all, cover to cover...crying the entire time..I knew this was a gift, it was just what I needed at the time. Anyway, even now I go back to this great book. I have given away at least twenty. It is my favorite book of all time.

*****

Bobbi:
My friend, Vic/Vicki/Victoria Jean Pendley/Lawrence...She died in as independent a way as she lived, doing it her own way, the way that made her happy. She had no pain at the end.

Yesterday, sitting in her living room with the local friends who had gathered, it was easy to imagine her energy there, grinning and jumping around the room, waving her arms, yelling, “Hey guys! It’s me! I’m okay!”

She had expressed many times in these last months -- and in fact, she said it again just last week -- that she had no fear of dying, but felt she still had lots to do here, much more to do with her dear Ron, as well as wanting to see “how it all turned out,” shift-wise. But her choice in her movement yesterday must also be in lending the rest of us energy in our movement objectively in the shift, as well as her personal choice for her final focus.

She was a loyal, dear friend, and a wonderful, warm, funny, generous human being. She loved cats and horses, practical jokes, word games, swimming, laughing, smoking, music, and FUN. She loved being a waitress, but mostly she loved working with the Elias material. She is the only person I have ever known that had to have honey in her coffee...

I have been privileged and honored to know and work with her for the last four years, and for that I thank you, Vic.

Her work on the transcripts will continue, of course, as she wanted and requested. There will be a bit of a down time while things are reorganized, but the information will continue to be documented and disseminated in close to the same way as it always has been. More about that later, after the transcription team has had time to discuss how we shall proceed.

My love and energy to you, dear Vicki, in whatever your adventures are now... and my love and energy to you all....

*****

Margot:
Ken writes: I am sitting here. Words where are you???
Ken.....you found exactly the right words to express the emptiness as well as bring more tears to our eyes..........I’m a complete dead head today......will talk more later.....

Katie: Now that is the way I would want to go.....I sure have to credit Vic on that.

Margot: I’ve always thought of Vic as a Wayshower.......and I’m thinking she’s doing that right now, showing us just how it’s done.......!

At this point there’s not much more to say, Katie.....she hadn’t felt well beginning on Monday, and the only symptom seems to be that she felt very weak and not like herself. And I guess--in view of what Vic was creating--feeling weak and not quite like yourself is a good description of making the type of choice she was making.

I had a very interesting dream 3 or 4 weeks ago. In it, Howard and I had been in a bad accident and Howard had been killed instantly. I was in a coma, and with crystal clear, crisp, logic and reasoning and no panic, I was trying to decide whether or not to disengage or stay, and I could see big advantages to both. I really did want to go with Howard, but I could foresee that if I didn’t live to tie up loose ends, our families would really have a lot of sorting out to do. The dream ended at that point.

So when I talked with Elias a couple of weeks ago, I told him about the dream and how impressed and surprised I’d been at the clarity of a coma or unconscious state.....Elias agreed and then said that I’d presented myself with this imagery so that I’d better understand that just before disengagement, everyone is that crystal clear about the choice they’re making. I really liked hearing that....prolly cuz I’ve only half-believed that we actually make an OBJECTIVE choice.

Ron isn’t planning funeral services......he wants to wait and have a memorial service in conjunction with the January group session.

*****

Lynda:
I gotta tell this story now that I’ve got my attention. I have a sterling silver keyring and it’s got two hearts on it and they are linked together. I brought it with me to PA coz I was going to give it to Mare or maybe Vicki but I could not decide. It was like a twin imagery thingie to me. I decided to keep it as my own instead. So on the way home from PA we (Ron, Vicki and me) stopped in St. Louis for a plane change. We must have walked 100 miles to the connection gate.

On the way to the gate Vicki kept saying that she felt like she was going to see someone she knew and I was feeling kind of the same thing but not quite that it was someone I knew. So we finally dump our stuff at the gate. I looked up and a lady was talking to Vic but I didn’t pay much attention and then Vic motioned me to come over and told me to hold out my hand. I did and she dropped the sterling silver ring into my palm. I was shocked coz I didn’t know it was missing. The lady who was talking to Vic was travelling from PA to St. Louis on our plane and saw my keychain on my seat and picked it up coz she thought she might see me at the airport.

I was blown away. This lady and her husband were going on the Arkansas and the airport was packed out with people. The odds of me getting that keychain back were about a million to one in my opinion.

About a week ago I lost my big keychain with all my keys on it. The weird thing is that I left the house very early and came back and used the keys to let myself in the house. When I went out later in the morning the keys were gone. I tore the room apart. I had to get a duplicate house and car key made and I decided to use my sterling silver twin keychain.

Three or so days ago I was walking to my car, holding my keys and the two hearts fell apart and I had to hook them up by using the bigger silver key ring that was also on the chain. The hearts were still on my keychain but a little separated.

I wondered about that all and now I’m gettin’ snot and tears all over my keyboard here coz it’s such OBJECTIVE IMAGERY (Vic’s favorite two words to be paying attention to to me, of the twins.

Okay, I’m done... I gotta blow my nose. Did I tell you guys how much I love each of you? Can’t say it enough this day.

*****

Dale:
~When I first heard I was shocked, stunned, speachless, especially as we had been corresponding recently. I wish I could take away the pain others are feeling, but that is not really needed.

~It’s just so strange and I so want to remember my agreement to this. I keep reviewing the last week or so, looking for connections, but can find none, none that are a very direct knowledge, although I can come up with quite a few I could talk myself into thinking were connected. This is not what I want. I want to remember, because I do create my reality and nothing is created without my knowledge and consent and yet I can’t remember agreeing to this or having any knowledge of it. Yet, I know I must, because this is HOW I create my reality and Vic has provided me with this wonderful opportunity to remember.

~I am not sad. I feel strangely calm and peaceful. I feel compassion for those who are feeling pain, but I feel much like how Vic felt about people disengaging, a subject she and I discussed many times. And while I was reading all the posts, the handyman was here installing a new thermostat. I went to the store to get batteries for it, and while sitting at the light I thought to turn the radio on and see what information I would give myself about Vic. Pink Floyd - “I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon.” She’s still everywhere. I love you, Vic. And I’m glad you know it.

*****

Joshua:
I have not known the Lady Vic but a short
span, an’ in that she did shine fun and
support inta me space.

We met in a brief an’ fun play whilst
she would have ta re-send me files of
the newly transcribed tapes.

Will miss her smile in me mails, fer sure.
An’, as I kin still feel her smile, I know
she be a flyin’ fine...

Light an’ Love on us All...
joshuahmed

*****

Anjuli:
I am speechless... Just now I sent out the newest transcript to the list and to Vicky too....

KC, I agree with you - this is wonderful way of disengaging! I guess Vic was a final focus? I am wondering why we wrote so many mails about transition lately...

We all are not separate from her! Lawrence will support us all and is with us always, and we with Lawrence! A dear, loving, playful essence-snuggle to you, Vicky/Lawrence! Have fun!

Hugs to you, Ron, and love to all of you......

*****

KC:
Oh that sneaky Vicki! Just in our last mails she has been weedling and cajoling and bribing me to come to Castaic in January. You can hear her, right? “So and so is cool and really funny, and you will prolly meet her, TOO, when you come to Castaic!” And we were dying to meet each other, and she has been mailing lots of us in her bubbly kinda way, and now she is mailing us directly, sts, and remember that last session where she dispensed with her projection of her perception and exchanged directly with another essence within no separation at the bank? Well see? We know she knows how to do it (grin)! But who will ask the questions now? I love her questions! I will surely miss her trademark banter with Elias!

*****

KC:
Lynda wrote: “I wondered about that all and now I’m gettin’ snot and tears all over my keyboard here coz it’s such OBJECTIVE IMAGERY (Vic’s favorite two words to be paying attention to ) to me of the twins. Okay, I’m done... I gotta blow my nose. Did I tell you guys how much I love each of you? Can’t say it enough this day.”

Dangit Lynder, I’m plumb outta truths. I love your story. All day yesterday I was like, manic depressive in the depressive state and I know when I make that and I feel just like an orphan, that someone I love is disengaging, and I’m noticing, and I made the ocean painting starting on Monday and then posted it yesterday as a gift to everyone, and Vic had told me how she loves the ocean so much that she has to always live close by to the ocean and I gotta go to the store now so I can blow my nose.

*****

Vinu:
I am surprised indeed at the news to say the least. As much less than a lurker these past few months, I find it interesting that just yesterday I began reading the list again upon the feeling that an important announcement was going to be made.

I am sad that I never had the pleasure of meeting Vic in person, but through our lively email exchanges I did feel quite warmly towards her. I enjoyed her friendly piss-takes about my “unusual” accent and very much appreciated the thoroughness with which she would go about transcribing. I had looked forward to her receiving my short, videotaped “hello” from a recent live session.

My condolences to those close to her.

*****

Stephen:
what? gee here in OZ i get your email a day later..

scweppes. I feel so sad...now.. but much condolences to relatives and friends including me, and all of us...

schewppes. I feel off.. and I was so kool.. okay.. pull in.. let go.. gotta find out how she went..

*****

(From Elias Digest #1563):

Stephen:
I felt Vicki more than just a friend when I first joined this list, because some of my dreams Vicki would reply with a personal confidence about what they meant to her.

So therein indicating shared focuses. One of which I TFEd about.

schewppes. Love u All.

*****

Stephen:
After reading what Bobbi said, I stood up and faced out the window and said to my dog. “Well, Sooty another one has bit the dust, One of US.” Then two minor birds flew by across the front yard. (Rose.) Love U Vicki.. Sweet blessings. Have fun.

*****

Carlos:
As much as I know about Vicky, I know she put the transcripts together and sent them to us : ) I am quite thankful.

My best wishes to you Vicky, on your continuing journey.

*****

Ron:
Bobbi said: “My love and energy to you, dear Vicki, in whatever your adventures are now.... and my love and energy to you all.”

That was a beautiful epitaph (as the tears stream). And my love to you, Bobbi, for being here when I needed a friend.

And thanks to all of you and your kind words of support. I haven’t had time or inclination to read all of the posts yet but as the dust settles I will try to read them all and respond to as many as I can.

I love you Bobbi and also all of the rest of you.

I’m still reeling.

*****

Fran:
On Sunday evening I had a very vivid dream in which I was hugging Mary. It didn’t make any sense and I couldn’t remember in the morning what it was about - it felt like a reconciliation or something, but there was some sadness attached. I wrote Mary a note on Monday about a private session in January and asked her if it rang any bells with her and she responded yesterday morning (before all of this) that she was only hearing Christmas bells at this time. Of course it now it falls into place.

*****

Carla:
Katie, like you, Vic had that “sister feel” with me also..More like “big sister,” since she is/was older than me. I’ve emailed her on & off Jan/Feb of this year..In fact SHE is the first person from the E group I was in contact with. We’ve exchanged some hilarious emails since then & late last week was our last correspondence...

When someone has been sick for a long time & out of commission this type of event isn’t as shocking, but when they just lay down & do NOT wake up.. Last Friday morning I got to hear about George Harrison (1), which really bummed me out (I was an observing essence to his former wife Patti Boyd) & really didn’t think I would be as affected as I was; but I WAS!! Now this Friday I log on & start reading posts & think, “what the hell is this?”

I’ve been to so many funerals these past couple of years, & as I sit wanting to blubber I’m always reminded of a saying I’d heard or read many years ago; “we only cry for ourselves.” I kept saying that to myself over & over at my grandfather’s funeral (that one was a real toughie) because we all know death is just a different focus of attention...It’s hard to acknowledge no one is really GONE, since in our perception, it SURE feels like it.

Here’s to another emotionally raw weekend….

*****

Katie:
Yeah, emotionally charged and raw is right. She felt like a big sister to me too. My own big sister is also named Vicki and her first husband, whom I adored, is named Ron. Vic had been my older sister in another focus....and I idolized her. The bleedthrough was quite strong. I am sorry for the missed opportunity to have been a close friend of her’s in this focus...I figured there was plenty of time for that.

*****

Pat B.:
I am sorry to say that I have never had the chance to meet Vic. I was looking forward to Castiac and meeting everyone that is going to there. I have a feeling Vic will be there in spirit...at least for awhile. Does anyone know the cause of this? Do any of you find it interesting that just these past few days we have all talked about final focuses disengaging, questioning if all focuses do this at the same time? Geeze, I feel like I have lost a friend.....and have never even had the priviledge to meet her...

*****

Katie:
Pat, she’s not gone....and you know, in her passing she gave me a gift. Lately I have been feeling very separate...very isolated. Well, not anymore....one of the joys of being dispersed I guess. I’ve been bawling my eyes out here tonight and could hardly function at work the last two days. I’m getting snot all over my keyboard here. No question now of the interconnectedness. As confirmation tonight driving home I heard on the radio James Taylor singing “You’ve got a friend. All you gotta do is call....and I’ll be there yeah, yeah, yeah....”

Pat, I’ve not read the book you mention. But when my mother died several years ago I took comfort in a book I was surprised to find my mother owned. I opened it and found myself on page 52 of Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet...and it read....

“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

“And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wonderous than your joy. And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief. Much of your pain is self-chosen. It is bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

“Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility. For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen, And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.”

*****

Ken:
Hi Bobbi, I want to thank you for the words you have written. My tears of many colors are now flowing.

*****

Fran:
Katie, I just logged on to a Victoria’s Secret ad on CompuServe! I have been so morose all day, but bouncing back. I’m remembering one of my favorite things that Vic would say in her irreverance - her use of the word “croak” instead of death or disengagement!

*****

Ron:
I’m really doing fine. The wine helps. I’m not sure that the total effect has set in yet so I will reserve my final judgement for a few days. Thanks, Fran, for your concern, I know (cuz I know you) that you do mean it. I’m okay, really.

*****

Fiona:
I would like to add my expression of sadness at Vic’s passing. I have only corresponded briefly with her via email, but have enjoyed her humour and comments found throughout the transcripts. It was only a couple of weeks ago that I asked if I could help with the transcribing in some way – even though I live far away in New Zealand. So I hope there is someone else available who is as capable as her to continue this wonderful work. Well done, Vic, I salute you.

*****

Axel:
Dale wrote: ~I am not sad. I feel strangely calm and peaceful. I feel compassion for those who are feeling pain...Yesterday in the afternoon at work I received a note from KC to check the website about what happened.

At first I did not relate it, but now that Dale says she feels calm and peaceful and KC said something similar too in a mail, I believe it is related: After I had learnt about Vicki, I started to feel this way very intensely and there has been this feeling of affection for myself and everyone else since then, not only for those of the group, more like a state of being. I can’t help but see her disengagement as a transformation and for some reason all this reminds me of Anji’s vision of the event in September, in which she saw everything working beautifully together like in a symphony.

I do not have the feeling Vicki is gone. It’s different for me than for many others, because I never met her in person, but we exchanged emails and I always read her postings to the list, and on these occasions I felt her energy, strong, warm, humorous and I can still connect to this energy as always. I am not sad. I could only cry when I think of Ron, don’t know why. I’m honestly glad to hear you’re OK, Ron.

*****

Anjuli:
I am using your mail, Ron, for to shortly tell you about a dream I have had in the night of Thursday to Friday. I was sitting with a group in a circle. For some reason I left my place and chose a chair next to a woman, whose energy felt like the one of Vicky. Then the room was filled with a white, milky light. We did not see our surroundings any more - the realities we knew were gone. I was afraid a bit and hugged the woman next to me. She was not afraid of the disappearing of our known reality. Then a strong blue light, a blue ball, appeared, moved from my back upwards, created a tingling in my neck and then surrounded my head. I lost all of my fear and surrendered to the energy of the blue light, still hugging that woman. The blue light then went to the woman and was going to move to each one in the group. I woke up from this dream due to the tingling in my neck and felt drawn to get up and check the mails with the feeling that something was different ... somehow I felt it in the energy of the forum, the group, but I did not know what it was. It was hours later that I got the news of Vicky’s disengaging. As soon as I heard about it I knew that I had dreamt of her, and that this was a “transition-dream” ...

*****

Dale:
~Yes, when I think of Ron I could cry. I could get mad also, I think *I’d* be mad too. It does feel transitional, very altering, and when I first heard, I began feeling these warm and tingly waves of energy. Really, like waves. It’s just so strange, like she’s gone in this phys reality, and yet she’s not, and I keep thinking a bit humorously, “What the fuck, Vic? A bit of notice would have been nice! I got a few quick questions...” I’m glad to hear you’re allowing a bit of comfort from Bobbi etc., Ron. I can only imagine how affecting this must be for you. The only words that come - my heart goes out to you...

*****

Steve:
Re: Session 764. I reread this session this morning. I have chosen this as one of my ways to remember Vic. Remember her short addition after Elias departs?

“Elias departs at 12:07 PM, and the first comments are:

BOBBI: Well, that just clears it all right up!

VIC: It surely does! Yep, it clears it all right up! Yup! And we dissolve into laughter!”

I imagine Vic dissolving into laughter now and incorporating more fun in her explorations, as Elias always encourages. As I create my “future” in this now, I choose to open myself to sharing more of this fun with Lawrence. I’m so happy that I’m creating this shift!

*****

Ron:
Dale writes: “I’m glad to hear you’re allowing a bit of comfort from Bobbi etc., Ron. I can only imagine how affecting this must be for you. The only words that come - my heart goes out to you.”

Thanks Dale, Although I’m starting to run out of things to say, I needed to respond to you because you and I have a connection that I’m not too sure about but it’s there and I’m glad you’re there and here. I just had that Beatles song pop into my head “Here There and Everywhere.” I think that’s how I’m feeling about Vic.

*****

Stephen:
Funny how ya have some dreams and you say to yourself i am not going to document them, then the dreams nag you all day until you do record them. sheesh. 5 dreams all in a row wanting to be addressed to. these dreams came after i was restless trying to sleep after hearing of vicki’s disengagement, and then now a dizzy whip inside physically expressed, SHE’s HERE!

*****

Dale:
So I’m at Alta Vista doing some word translations from English to French and I get this “tip”: If you do not want a word to be translated add a x on each side of it. Eg: I love xPinkx xFloydx

Hi Vic. :) For those of you who don’t understand, Vic once told me about watching the movie “The Wizard of Oz” while listening to Pink Floyd. It may not seem like very personal imagery, but then neither is a blue dot. Like E once told her, and paraphrasing, what I say to you matters not, you choose whether it matters or not. Pink Floyd imagery matters to me and right NOW it matters a lot. Very affirming, very clear imagery to me of our ever-connectedness. Vic, mon amie. Yes, Ron, Here There and Everywhere. Thank god, with a little g for Vic. Now tell me that song was written by Harrison and his essence name is Lawrence cos the musical artist of the month on Yahoo is “No Doubt.” Amour.

*****

Paul:
It’s Saturday afternoon here in Castaic. I just returned from a small impromptu gathering at Ron’s house. People have brought food and wine aplenty. There is reminiscing and story telling going on. Old and new friends are mingling. Ron is being his usual amazing self. He wanted to share the following information:

Vicki’s remains are at the Santa Clarita Funeral home. An autopsy is being performed on Monday at the request of family members (mother and brother), and she is to be cremated @Thursday. Her ashes are to be scattered in Pismo Beach, CA (about a three hour drive north) at an, as yet, undetermined time.

Ron (and Vic) have requested that you DON’T send flowers. But feel free to send any of the following...

- your favorite “Vic Story”
- cards
- a donation to: the Elias Fund
c/o Ron Churchman
P.O. Box 492
Castaic, CA 91310
• (please make checks or money orders out to “The Elias Fund c/o Ron Churchman”). These funds are used for the many behind the scenes jobs involved in the transcription and making audio tapes available, etc.
• a case of wine

*****

Curtis:
I first met Vic this past October at the Pennsylvania gathering at the Fenstermachers. At first there was enormous gratitude for her role in delivering information over these past years which has made such a wonderful difference in my life. As the day progressed we found ourselves in conversation both over dinner and afterwards. Part of the conversation I remember most clearly was where I upheld that, with respect to the people I know, we are so far away from anybody realizing that they create their own reality that it’s going to take an act of God to jar them out of their “good vs. evil” mentality. Vic upheld in serene confidence that many inroads have been made into this destructive view. She used as example the humanitarian aid being delivered along with the bombs in Afghanistan (something we have never done before). She had several other good examples but the thing I remember most is her deep and abiding faith that things are getting better.

After I arrived home I began getting garbled transcripts so I took the opportunity while asking for a re-send to tell her how much I enjoyed our conversations and how I felt that I had known her my whole life. She answered that it seemed to her that we had clearly known each other before. I, who felt just about nothing at the collapse of the World Trade Center, have been very much affected by Vic’s passing.

Rodney sent me a beautiful picture of Vic and Mary which I have taped above my computer. I pause whenever I glance up and send them both the warmth and the love their image inspires in me.

*****

(From Elias List #1565):

Melinda:
Bobbi! I didn’t know until your post that Vic and I shared a middle name. How not surprising in light of the connection that I felt with her.

I found this from a recent email of hers to me: “Recently somebody posed a question on the e-list, asking folks what they thought their greatest accomplishment was, and I said that mine was being happy most of the time.” Doesn’t this sum it up?

My favorite Vic story: I was in Castaic a couple of years ago visiting Ron and Vic when Vic and I decided to practice Viv’s rapid hypnotic induction technique. I insisted that Vic practice on me first, which involved her holding one of my hands, with her other gently placed behind my neck. She would then say forcefully, “Sleep!”, while at the same time giving both my hand and neck a slight shake. The idea was that I would gracefully relax and collapse onto the couch in an instant hypnotic state.

We stood as Viv had instructed. Vic said, “Sleep!” and gave my hand and neck a shake. Only she overestimated her strength and somehow, my upper lip made a sudden and abrupt connection with her forehead. I didn’t “sleep” but instead went into a major owie situation. I was laughing so hard Vic thought I was crying and my lip swelled up like a balloon at the state fair. This gave us a chance to practice our altered state healing technique and I’m happy to say that my lip was completely normal within 24 hours.

We always joked that if ever Vic offered to hypnotise you, run like hell in the other direction!

*****

Bri:
Although I’ve not interacted with Vic much except for a few e-mails now and again about the “transcript imagery” when I read about her speedy transition I did not know what to think. My first reaction was disbelief. I did not experience the same degree of sadness that many of you who know her personally did, but I’ve always felt kind of fond of her. So over the last couple of days I’ve been asking her for an impression of why she chose to disengage... A few minutes ago, I just received an impression, and please forgive me because I may not be able to communicate this effectively, but the impression I got was that she has chosen to continue in her role as translator of the Elias material, but in an energetic sense. It’s like, even though we know Elias is hanging around with us, flashes us with blue dots, breaks our light bulbs and makes our computers go wonky among other things, he still seems somewhat abstract to a lot of us.

I got the impression that Vic chose to disengage to facilitate (and personalize) our realization that there is no separation and I have a feeling that we individually (especially those of you that know her well) will begin to notice her/Lawrence’s energy (and sense on humour) quite readily in any future Elias interactions....’cause they’re really having a good time tweaking each other now!

P.S. Dale, feel free to substitute the word “I” for every “we” I wrote.

*****

Dale:
~I wouldn’t dream of substituting a fucking word! Yes! Yes! A resounding YES! And the god-like beliefs attached to E, shall not be done with Vic, although she may be put on a pedestal for awhile. Matters not cos she won’t climb up. :)

*****

Stephen:
today it was such a sunny clear day, i went outside to do my washing hanging them on the line, but then i cried out loud to essence and saying “Lawrence, give us a sign!” and then a butterfly suddenly flew out from a tree, and also a leaf, of the same color as the butterfly, dropped out of nowhere in front of me. kool :) huh?

*****

(From the Elias List #1567):

Carole:
Hi...well, first of all I have started to do the pastel...of Vic and Mare....it is funny, how I talk to the people I am painting while I am painting them.....and this is no different...I totally forget that Vic is not here in the physical world....I say....help me out here willya? anyway...the real thing I wanted to talk about here is...that I have been thinking about this a lot...and also..my son Tom...whom some of you know.....has also...and wrote me something concerning his father within this subject....It is.....some folks have noted that Vic said she was not afraid of dying..but was not ready to do so and had lots still that she wanted to do here in this reality....alone..and with her dear Ron...and so it seems like....things are occuring within us...and we can objectively notice them....but we don’t always put the correct interpretation on them...ie:....please read the post I sent conveying very recent email between Vicki and myself......and so it seems as tho....here is a person...Vicky...who is having a splendid life/focus..and does not seem to want to disengage..and has much to stay here for...and is not saying...I am thru. .and want to go..and Yet.....she does....and leaves us all with a place that is empty...because even tho she obviously is still creating her reality...I cannot Email her and get an answer now..and I selfishly do not like that...and it makes me feel a loss....and I cannot think of her there in Castaic at her computer.....typing away with her head phones on.....lost in Elias material....and now as the other example..as my son pointed out..... “Ma, it is amazing that dad creates so much conflict and misery and pain and illness...and is always saying he wants to commit suicide...and yet....he continues staying engaged here year after year.”......so what I am trying...and laboring to say here....is that.....you cannot use the objective life/focus that a person has...to decide if that person is going to STAY focused here until a very old age.....or disengage...what would be considered early....as in the case of our own dear Vicki.......SO, there is obviously information that we don’t seem to be able to access...I am talking about from the person disengaging’s point of view....AND....the onlookers’ point of view......YET, when my mother fairly recently disengaged...she said to me...Oh Carole I am soooooo tired of all this....I really cant take it anymore......and then.she manifested illness.....and disengagement......I realize it is all for experience.....what I am trying to understand....is......It seems like the aspect of us that makes the decision..isnt necessarily the aspect we are familiar with...here in this focus..me in my Carole focus..you in you KC..Lynder...Dale, Fran.....Stephen, etc. focus.....it is still not within our grasp to KNOW...with certainty...altho...I do believe that we know as the time gets really close....as it sounds like Vic did from what was shared by Bobbi and Ron....and the criteria....is not whether this focus is.....“Happy” or more specifically.....value fulfilled...whether we disengage or not....sooooo......this is something I had in mind to talk to elias about before this happened...and now....I want to know even more.....the other thing I have thought about was....my emotion concerning certain events...and I have come to the conclusion...that I have choice in this.....I chose not to get all upset over WTC.....and I guess I choose to hurt about Vic...cause I do......maybe..it is more affecting..when the connections are closer...I knew from early on....that Vic and I share focuses.....as probably she does with many of us....we really loved her dearly .and we will miss her.......I know that I will......

*****

Katie:
Carole, so we create our reality in a moment to moment basis...it all makes sense. It was in one moment that Vic said she felt she had much to do yet in this reality. It was a different moment when lying on the couch feeling ill she refused medical treatment. I am thinking that she refused treatment in a knowing of her choice. Her last words...“I’m fine, I’m gonna be fine”....and she is. As for her accomplishing much more in this reality....she still is, just not from within it necessarily. I know some of my own walls are coming down because of her passing in my reality. All the sadness I feel in her passing is not for her....I know she’s fine. I’m even envious. Rather it is for the missed opportunities because of the walls I’ve kept up that really didn’t need to be there.

*****

Margot:
We had a good trip trip home, still talking about Vic most of the way......and remembering all the good conversations we had in Castaic with so many Vic’n Ron friends.......Ron’s got lots of support there, and he’s doing well......

It was so interesting--and rewarding--to be with an Elias group just following the death of an Elias group member like Vicki......no wringing of hands, for example, just love and tears and a far greater understanding of the disengagement process than one encounters at another kind of bereaved gathering.....quite a treat and I wish ALL of you could have been there.....

*****

Tom:
Carole, to leave or stay is chosen within the moment. It cannot be always viewed as a long range plan in linear terms. It may be done in what we view as one instant. I have been “clinically” dead for five minutes and had many moments of deciding in that linear time frame. This NDE allowed me to view how we decide disengagement. Leading up to this time, I entertained leaving for six months and created the circumstance that would be socially acceptable to do so. But I also have the choice within every moment of that creation and these that continue more than several years since. If this all makes sense.

*****

Varsha:
The day before I heard about Vicki’s disengagement a crow came and bopped me on the head and the superstitious belief about that in these parts is that there will be a death in the family. When I heard about Vicki I was at first stunned. Then there was a feeling that things are moving into high gear. Even though I’m not as interactive these days objectively, I know I am subjectively and there’s a kindredness and you’re all my family. I also think the latest round of ‘transcript imagery’ was somehow connected with increasing our (those of us who participated in it) objective interaction with Vicki. In one of her recent mails to me she talked about how she was altering her perception of time, and viewing her beliefs about ‘not enough time’.

I thought she was amazingly cool and so smart and warm and level-headed yet open-minded. I wish I could have met her. Like Margot, I appreciated her work on the transcripts, her witty and funny asides. I always felt that this material was ‘in good hands’ with Mary, Vicki, Ron and the transcription team. I guess now’s my chance to readjust my perception and realize that it’s still in good hands! Just in a different form. I will miss the little burst of excitement I got when I saw a mail from ‘marshuka’. Much love to you Vicki and everyone in this ‘family’.

*****

Carole:
Dale said: “I’ve been choosing to be more gentle with myself. I can even *feel* that hamstering is harmful to myself, whereas trusting and accepting feels helpful and beneficial.”

Re: your message above in answer to Vic’s email concerning being gentle with ourselves..and accepting ourselves...Well, Vickie’s email was exactly what I needed/chose to hear objectively when she sent it..and it was totally on target....for me also Dale....and....I have had a predeliction for going out on limbs all my life...and putting myself in harm’s way..8-)....mostly because I have a big mouth....8-)......and now I am trying to do things differently also...My hamster wheel is wearing verrrry thin......gee, maybe we will retire them together....or maybe it will be more a semi-retirement..

*****

Ted:
I have no idea as to why I am having such a time with this feeling of loss. I am and will be a great fan of this list and all. But this loss I am feeling over Vic’s disengagement is horrific.

Over these past four years that I have been engaged with the Elias material I have been in awe of Vic, have been in love with Vic, have been fearful of Vic and have offered to be helpful in transcriptions.

This October was my first opportunity to actually meet Vic. This was a vital part of my experiences within the Elias group. Vic was, to me, a pivotal center of the Elias material and I feel her inputs and insights are inspiring. I have the pleasure of having deep and lasting conversations with Vic during the meetings in PA, and this time that I now selfishly treasure, that are loving and reassuring. I had a great fear that Vic was not in approval of the energy exchange that I share with C9 but her attendance of the C9 demonstration in PA alleviated that fear and assured me that I was still in love with her. Now this is not a romantic love but a love of essence to essence as I know that in my “few” physical focuses that I have shared them with Lawrence many times.....

Well. My keyboard is very wet with tears and I will now send this. Love all you guys and gals.......

*****

(From the Elias List #1568):

Carole:
Hi, thanks to all for discussion here..all has been helpful......and ...I understand that we make the decision moment to moment.....but what I am trying to get a handle on and as I said...I am laboring to try and describe this....is ....I guess...in thinking it over.....is our seeming inability to be more in tune with what we are creating in linear time..or our perception in actuality of what we are going to want...say....tomorrow.....OR in the next Moment !.....so I guess.....what I am talking about here is....maybe...simultaneous time and living consciously in it....rather than being bogged down with linear thoughts..and creations....AND...also the criteria...for the choice....it obviously has nothing to do with whether we are seeming to be enjoying this life in the present moment.....or not....and Teddy....here is a hug for you and for C9.....you are both great...

*****

Margot:
Fran said: “I have my words back now. I just got word that I have been officially kicked off the “Cold-hearted Bitches” bench. I am feeling so overwhelmed by grief this morning and have this tremendous sense of loss. This has brought me an important realization - that I think of all of you more as my family than those people I am biologically connected to, and I feel like I have lost a sibling.”

Yeah, Fran, I didn’t see you on that bench.......in fact that bench was cold and empty. As for biological connections, Howard mentioned on Thursday, that he didn’t think he could cry more over the loss of son than he was crying for Vic. We all lost a dear sibling.......one who understood/understands us more than many we have in “real?” life. And in spite of all the tears, there was a lot of laughter in Ron’s house this weekend, and many, many smiles......

*****

Ted:
I have just now finished reading the last transcript #764 with Bobbie and Vic and in this it discusses communications.....Now I am trying to get in touch with me to get the message.. Vic’s disengagement is the objective signal and this great sadness in emotion is the subjective signal......I now need to “get” the message and am going into self to find it... Thanks for your hugs cause I really need them from all of you......sniff sniff

*****

Fran:
Ted said: “I have no idea as to why I am having such a time with this feeling of loss. I am and will be a great fan of this list and all. But this loss I am feeling over Vic’s disengagement is horrific.”

Yes, same here. I was so looking forward to meeting her in January. Actually, I have been feeling pretty foolish about how much this has affected me. The last time I felt like this was in 1984 when a dear friend died from AIDS. I too am trying to figure out where the hell the intense sense of loss is coming from. Thanks so much for sharing this with us!

*****

Lynda:
Hey Fran... something you said about your friend in 1984 sparked my own association when I heard about Vicki and that is that in 1983 the leader of the Christian group I was in died and the feeling of loss was horrific. When I heard about Vicki I immediately felt this same feeling. I haven’t sorted through it all and probably won’t for awhile yet, but my first sense is that I looked to Vicki as a leader which, in the grand scheme of us, there are no leaders... we are all Chiefs but there are a lot of beliefs between that rememberance and me now.

I’m just very appreciative of me for drawing myself to Elias and this information about acceptance of self FIRST coz I know the acceptance of everyone else in my world is the automatic by-product. Looks like Vicki has evoked that open vulnerable thing on this list these days and I know she was into that big time and quite an example to me now, as you are Fwinger.:o)

*****

KC:
Dale, this is how I feel also, that I am creating a wider understanding of no separation and fun through Vic’s transformation/transcription of the Elias material sts, and that we do not think of Vicki as a god, but as a bridge to the concepts within us and within the shift venue :). On perfect course...

*****

Axel:
If you ask me...I hesitate to say this, because it sounds blunt and like denial, but when I think of Vic, it’s like she is there... she *is simply there*

*****

KC:
Ok then, I have a confession. At first I thought, “Not Vic! Anybody else, but please, not Vicki.” (Now, you know I didn’t mean this :). She was and is a pivotal center. I have cried and cried and laughed. I am exhausted. I want Marshuka mails. And I intend to have them. I love you, Teddy B.

*****

(From the Elias Digest #1569)

KC:
I and my sister and brother just read #726, in which Elias says, “Brace yourselves. You are moving.” Whoa, ok.

*****

Gillian:
Dear, dear Ron, Mary, Margot, Howard and all, Simply, HUGGGGS, GRINS (I know Vicki loved grins) AND DOLLOPS OF LOVE AND LAUGHTER IN THE MEMORY OF VICKI !!! Just my way of sending energy!!!!! :} :} Zap!! there it flows your way in lovingness!!

*****

(From the Elias Digest #1572)

Ken:
Lynda said: “We are so hard on us and shit, we are like SO ADORABLE... I dun get it .”
Dale: “ ~Sometimes I am adorable, sometimes I am not, but I’m all-ways acceptable. :)
Lynda: “I know you know this. I know you took a chance on being so open in this e-mail and I appreciate you so much for this. So much.”

Dale: “ ~When I first connected with Vic I felt GUILT! Guilt cos I connected with Ron’s very strong sexual energy and had many beliefs about whether it was OK to feel that or not. It ain’t either. It just IS one of the things I connect to. Do you appreciate my openness?

Ken: I appreciate your openness to intimacy.

*****

Carole:
Hi KC...I believe Vic’s passion for a color choice was Purple!

KC:
Bingo, Carole! I always associated Vic with purple passion :) And for me this IS Vic’s color. Vic is Sumafi/Ilda, a great combination, if I do say so!

Stephen:
thoughtfocused is vicki

*****

Tom:
I thought I would add a short story from my perception. I have never met Vic objective as we call it. I did meet Vic, Ron and several others back in 1996 on the AOL Seth Board about a year or so after the Elias action began. We had many interesting discussions and explorations in consciousness, projections etc. :>) We eventually formed a chat room for occasional “face to face” chats.

The thing I remember most about these chats is the challenge Vic presented to many of us, particularly Ron and myself, when we fought the allowance of Patel/Paul or Tiamo to speak during these chats. The energy would grow so “huge” during these chats that it was difficult for either Ron or I to resist letting Patel or Tiamo to speak or answer questions.

What I remember is Vic chiding and tweaking our resistance to this occurrence and our lack of allowance. I will miss that. We have not had any of these chats for about a year now and this will be missed. I always looked forward to meeting Vic objectively and enjoying the face to face humor she espoused through the connections in consciousness we have.

The last email I had with Vic was exactly a week before she departed. I mentioned the interesting imagery of multiple sessions mailed to me in her emails and she wrote back laughing, saying she was having a Ground Hog’s Day.

I will miss your objective connecting, humor and “subtle” pushes, Vic. Love & Energy. . .

*****

Tom:
One more thing I remembered after sending this is when I asked Vic to check my essence name and family belonging to and alignment. She did this for me (no phone sessions at the time) but would not tell me until I gave her my impressions first. :>)

*****

Anjuli:
Axel, I very much related to your entire mail. I do feel this as a symphony. All tears, all joy, each reaction of every single individual to Vic’s disengagement creates a wonderful music... and I think the gift for us is that we can look into our now less and less powerful beliefs of separation. The longing for togetherness will be stronger than any belief. I discovered this when I lost my daughter. I don’t know why, but somehow with Vic’s passing I suddenly felt that now it is no longer a concept for me, but an experience - that we are not separate, and that we do not need physical form of an essence for to connect with anyone dear to us.... AND I also can accept myself much better when from time to time I DO prefer to have a form of an essence for to have fun with... I am smiling on myself because somehow I now can accept the design of this dimension much better and at the same time by doing this feel no longer limited by it.

Feeling very transitional these days, hugs to all!

*****

Gerhard:
Ron sent me his new song and wrote: “Now, to the song. KC from the list suggested that I might be able to come up with a new song, which may eventually happen. I hadn’t even thought of it until I read her post but it suddenly occurred to me that the song I have attached has a great deal more meaning now than I thought it ever would have. The song is called “All Alone For Christmas.”

I’m All alone for Christmas
Even the trees seem blue.
I’m all alone for Christmas
Wishing I could be with you.
It’s such a lonely winter
Nothing to do but dream.

Hark the Herald Angels sing.
Making blues go away
I haven’t heard those sleigh bells ring
Missing you on Christmas Day.

Snow on the ground, lights in the town
Makes such a glorious scene
Children at play, sweet holiday
Don’t wake me up from this dream.

All alone for Christmas
Even the trees seem blue
I’m all alone for Christmas
Wishing I could be with you.

I’m all alone for Christmas
Wishing you were here.

*****

Mary:
To all of you -
Most of you by now know that Vicki died last Thursday. Some of you may just be finding out now. I want to thank all of you for your outpouring of love and support. This is what I want to share with you all...

Almost 7 years ago I made a picture of the purple prism that I used to watch during sessions and composed a small quote with it. I had it copied and gave it to each of the people that were then involved with these sessions, (think there were only about 6 people then).

At this moment I feel that it would be appropriate to share it with all of you because it expresses how I feel today: “In our realization of self, let us all be not only the most excellent directors of our own personal plays, but also the most excellent players in everyone elses play.”

I feel very privileged to have been one player in Vicki’s play. She was definitely a very excellent player in my play. I am a richer person and very blessed to have known her and to have been called her “friend.”

Love,

Mary

*****

Antone:
Subject: Honey In My Coffee
Hello all!
It’s been a while since I last posted here, even longer since I received e-mails from the list regularly. I joked with Vicki that I was “listless”. I received Mary’s e-mail today informing me of Vicki’s disengagement from the focus that I had grown to love so much.

Like some of you, I only met Vicki in person at the Huntsville, Alabama gathering last fall. But of course Vicki and I are together in many other times and places and we exchanged much mirth in this one. Recently she wrote me that she had been thinking about me and wished that I lived across the street. I replied that I did too but could take comfort in the fact that in SOME reality, I did in fact.

*****

Melinda:
It’s events like this that make me notice that all of my thoughts aren’t mine in the sense that some of them I pick up from others......

Cathy C.:
I can’t tell you how true that is for me too, Melinda! So many times I’ve had thoughts and feelings that seem to have come out of nowhere, only to discover later that a friend or family member was going through some emotional or psychological event. And it even happened with Vicki one time in particular that I remember. I think I even mentioned it way back when. I had been feeling very down, and had no idea why. Mark tried to console me, all to no avail. Then Vicki wrote about how she had felt that weekend, because Mary had suddenly left without warning, to move to Brattleboro. And the minute I read that, I understood what I had been feeling, and my mood totally and completely lifted.

*****

Linda:
BTW, I dreamed about Vic last night. She was on my mind when I went to sleep. At one point, she burst through a trailer door shouting “Mommy’s home!” in a gravely, Janis Joplin type voice. LOL!! (Now, you know I don’t remember Vic’s voice.) Anyway, she seemed so “up”! I said, “OH my God, Vic!! What happened??!” And she said, “My choice.” She added, “ That was a LOT easier than I thought it would be!” I said, “How do you want us to store your stuff?” (or something like this) and she said, “You don’t ‘store’ anything! You create it in the moment! Next question!! HAHAHA!! Hey, this is GREAT!” LOL!! Then I asked her if there was anything she wanted me to tell Ron. She said, “Three clues: behind the Christmas tree, a cell phone with red plastic, and (she said something else that I don’t remember now ... something about a toy ... maybe a toy car).”

Now, I don’t even know if Vic had a Christmas tree. Leo and I don’t. Maybe she was talking about the imagery. Maybe this was just me filtering stuff. Maybe this wasn’t Vic. HAHAHA!! But, whatever, I feel as if she’s laughing. So, I imagine this is an energy deposit I connected with. Lawrence is off doing other things.

*****

Margot to Paul H:
I’ve thought so many times about what you said when everyone was guessing as to whether or not Vic didn’t know she was dead for a while--which seems to be quite a natural, understandable thing--and you suggested that (not knowing she was dead), she’d created feeling so much better that she got up out of bed and went to her puter to work on the session she was working on before she got to feeling so weak. I just loved that! It would be exactly the thing Vic would create!

*****

KC to Carole:
You want the wideness of knowing. Did I get it correct? Si o no?

Carole to KC:
....nicely succinctly put.....and not just the wideness of Knowing....But...which aspect of us originates it...and..of course the answer there is.....it is all harmonized...synchronized!...I guess...I just want to know more in an objective way.....and my sister seems to be creating....a possible disengagement....or maybe just a whole lot of misery that includes..booze, pain pills and illness..all great methods....that looks like a possible disengagement.....’cause...when it seems like the person has no intention of disengaging and then they DO......I want to have a closer look at the premitigating factors..and the source of them.....if the aspect I can experience of that person....does not SEEM to be the source.....AND you are right....this would be a wider awareness...and a connecting up with essence...which of course IS the SHIFT..and as the saying goes...SHIFT HAPPENS.....

*****

Margot:
And then there were all those jokes about how, when I died, I was gonna come back and drive her nuts. Well damn.........

Dale: ~Beware the merry prankster...

*****

Dale:
Margot writes: .. “and that we will be the stronger for having lost such a big part of ourselves.”

~I don’t believe for one moment that Ron said this.

Carla:
Dale, you’re such a “kill-joy” (as if there’s any JOY in this!) Of course he didn’t say it...at least not verbatim...these are Margot’s sentiments...

Dale: ~Yes, I am a kill-joy in this particular case, and I’m doing it in honour of Vic. By any stretch of the E material, her death is not to make us stronger, teach us anything and is not a loss. And I’m quite sure Vic wouldn’t mind me pointing this out. But I DO think losing her will create a “re-direction” of energy in regards to this stuff (the material). In that effect, Margot is probably not too far off. It may appear that we/us/ & the understanding/comprehension & implementation of the material may take a different course. In OUR terms; it MAY become a stronger influence or just become “stronger” period.

~Her death will not create anything! We each may choose to be creating differently, or not, we may choose to be influenced more strongly, or not. I always look for reasons WHY something has happened & ultimately KNOW that there ARE reasons for all of this. We ARE now changing course...maybe only slightly, or maybe QUITE a bit. & we may be engaging certain aspects we did NOT think we possessed. This may all appear to make us STRONGER; or whatever WE choose. Anyway, it WILL be different!!

~As every moment is. We’ve gone round on this one, Carla, the looking for reasons why. The answer is allways the same, for the experience. Looking for any other reason is hamstering in duplicity. If you don’t think so, start questioning why you create all the “good” things, like why you can type email, why you didn’t break your fingers, why you created a computer, why you have electricity, etc. etc. etc.

Katie:
One’s reality of what Vic’s death is about is their choice of creation.

*****

Sharon Sharin’:
Subject: BWD - Life is about Dying

The Bent Wheat Daily
Post Serial
December 11, 2001

Life is about Dying

It is the final act, the punch line. The last and most effective interruption to make a point. It is the very last thing you have to say on the subject. It is a belief, any belief that you are willing to die for, suicide. And it is very obvious that everyone´s book will have a last chapter.

It´s about making your statement, whatever that is, and then holding your breath, until you die.

*****

KC:
(Subject: Re: Ron’s new song: All Alone for Christmas)
I am so “Happy”! My heart is pounding. A Ronsong! I was feeling you writing a song, Ron, and I was yearning for it. I was listening to “It Matters Not” over and over :) Since Monday, I would listen and then paint a little on my painting, and then listen again and paint a little more thinking of the power and energy in this song and the light glinting off of everything and the beautiful purple shadows, and you and Vic and seeing all the colors of you. And feeling how we are all mixed together! I even had an it-matters-not dream last night and your song flows through my body and my soul in the most beautiful way... I am in love! Thank you Gerhard and Ron! I go to listen to our aloneness of all that is...

*****

KC:
Re: Vic’s color - Purple?
I put *sometimes* in there ‘specially fer ya! Now come on, who knows Lawrence’s color??? Didn’t she ever impression it and ask E?

*****

Katie:
KC, I don’t know if she ever asked E about it or not. I do recall something she posted not too far back on the subject. She said something to the effect that she always assumed it was purple...but that later on she felt that the purple was simply because it was the energy center she enjoyed most. I think it’s interesting that both Stephen and I got imagery of her as orange...Stephen with his orange butterfly and I with the orange edged “butterfly”.

*****

(Carole had said):
When it seems like the person has no intention of disengaging and then they DO......I want to have a closer look at the premitigating factors..and the source of them.....if the aspect I can experience of that person....does not SEEM to be the source.....AND you are ....this would be a wider awareness...and a connecting up with essence...which of course IS the SHIFT..and as the saying goes...SHIFT HAPPENS......

Katie responded:
Carole, ‘nother of my friends disengaged recently. He had just had knee surgery the day before. He was up and around, trying out the new knee and literally fainted dead away. He was happy and deeply in love with his wife (who was a closer friend of mine). They finally married about 4 years ago, (my pic on Yahoo was taken at their wedding) meeting up again after falling in love 20 years previously. They had looked forward to a long happy retirement together. And yet, he chose disengagement.

I’m not sure it’s helpful to view one aspect of us making choices over another. We are all our aspects.

*****

Gillian:
Anji says: The longing for togetherness will be stronger than any belief. I discovered this when I lost my daughter. I don’t know why, but somehow with Vic’s passing I suddenly felt that now it is no longer a concept for me, but an experience - that we are not separate, and that we do not need physical form of an essence for to connect with anyone dear to us.... AND I also can accept myself much better when from time to time I DO prefer to have a form of an essence for to have fun with... I am smiling on myself because somehow I now can accept the design of this dimension much better and at the same time by doing this feel no longer limited by it.

Gillian: I say: SNAP! meaning that I agree wholehardedly -- the death of my son at 17 was like that -- we are not disconnected!! I do curse him occassionally for not being here to enjoy a drink or two with me -- we were the bestest of friends and I celebrated with his friends the wonder of him :}:}:} This lent energy to them that it was alright to feel ‘good’ about dead -- I like to believe that I sowed a seed on the perception of death and dying!! Love and laughter and celebration to life in this dimension it is indeed wondrous.

*****

Lou:
Hi all; just got this e-mail from Mary and am very saddened. I haven’t checked the postings for months so this is the first I’ve heard. My condolences to you, Ron; what a special person Vicki was. What I remember the most was her hugs....she could squeeze you till there was only happiness coming out.....and that laugh....well all you had to do was to be in the same room with her and you’d start laughing yourself! She was contagious with joy.....that’s the way I like to remember Vic....
I love you Vicki..... :O(
I wish you were here so I could say it right to you....but I know you can catch a bit of it in my tears.......I love all of you, too.....

*****

Margot:
I believe that all of us have found “reasons” for Vic’s choice to disengage, and some of those “reasons” have been voiced here on the list.....few of which I agree with because I see my own perceptions and viewpoints too clearly. And one thing I do NOT agree with is any inference that Vic disengaged in order to do something for us or for the Elias material, or to help Elias or whatever. Perhaps I’m being shortsighted at this point, but I foresee very little change overall, the only “difference” being that Vic will no longer be distributing transcripts.

I, too, will terribly miss seeing mail from Marshuka in my mail box. We exchanged thoughts almost daily, and because thinking about her absence is still bringing a lump to my throat, I’m choosing not to dwell on that aspect of our relationship yet. But my deep connection with Vicki--not only in this focus, but in others--is still just as vital as it was before she disengaged.

*****

Pat B:
Just my own two cents from my past experience....Over the years I have found that even though I am really into this reality thingy (read Seth books since 74, before that every metaphysical I could get my hands on) that once in a while I sort of get lazy with my studies. I find myself sort of drifting into the EASY, thinking only about let’s say tennis umm...tennis...and tennis and the other “normal” everyday humdrum that most people think of....Then, all it really takes for me is to experience a death of someone close, or maybe a 9-11 thing (in 94 we had a tremendous earthquake within 9 miles from here that had a huge effect on us, and created BIG changes...all for the best I might add) that sort of thing.

Well, for me, personally, Vicki’s death has been another one of those prods...making me want to know more, experience more, figure out this reality even more. So, whether this was a part of her plan, that in going she would sort of be an added impetus to sort of stir things so we are driven further (and gee, what a way to do it, a peaceful death) and there by adding a touch more of value fullfillment while she is at it or whether that is just my interpretation of what might be..it remains a gift to me (yes, I know, “by me to me”). It doesn’t matter, because I APPRECIATE this gift and I will use it for my own personal growth.
THANKYOU VICKI.

*****

(From the Elias List # 1577)

Stephen:
Subject: my Vicki story

I feel Vicki was my icing on my cake, the nice touch that makes it complete and pretty. To me she was the wayshower into the Elias group, because of the (her statement) “it was unusual” at the time to get Paul to ask for me of Elias what my essence details are. (in Tr #433)

I felt quite welcome into the Elias group through her presence. And also finding out a shared focus we had.

Shared focus with Vicki: I was coming to a roadside cafe to eat breakfast, I asked the waitress (who I now recognise as Vicki) if there were any girls I could meet. Just then a girl showed up which the waitress introduced me to, her name was Jenny. (contemporary era) *****

Margot:
Carole said: “...nicely succinctly put.....and not just the wideness of Knowing....But...which aspect of us originates it...and..of course the answer there is.....it is all harmonized..synchronized!...I guess...i just want to know more in an objective way.....”

And then Carole again: “when it seems like the person has no intention of disengaging and then they DO......i want to have a closer look at the premitigating factors..and the source of them.....if the aspect I can experience of that person....does not SEEM to be the source.....AND you are right....this would be a wider awareness...and a connecting up with essence...which of course IS the SHIFT..and as the saying goes...SHIFT HAPPENS......

And then Katie said: Another of my friends disengaged recently. He had just had knee surgery the day before. He was up and around trying out the new knee and literally fainted dead away. He was happy and deeply in love with his wife (who was a closer friend of mine). They finally married about 4 years ago, (my pic on Yahoo was taken at their wedding) meeting up again after falling in love 20 years previously. They had looked forward to a long happy retirement together. And yet, he chose disengagement. I’m not sure it’s helpful to view one aspect of us making choices over another. We are all our aspects.

Now Margot: Yes, we are all our aspects, and especially our primary aspect, I assume, would be making certain choices.....but aren’t we forgetting that none of us can really knows the level of value fulfillment in each another’s life? Like you, Katie, I have a very close friend whose husband died less than a month ago....they’d been married only 6 years, and were very happy....he’d been a widower and she had never married before. These things are difficult to understand, nor can we understand...really.........but like you, Carole, I always want to know that Why part of the equation, and I’m stuck with only what I can surmise. Tough, but that’s the way it is............

*****

(From the Elias List #1578)

Lynda:
Subject: Re: In Honor of Vicki...
Pat, I’m with you kiddo. This is were the rubber of my reality meets my concepts - hugely. I’m just gonna miss her so much and probably will as long as I’m on this side of the “veil” but I get your drift. Since I met Vicki and Mary and so many in this wacky wonderful forum, I have given new meaning to the word NORMAL. I’m just more geeky and normal and ME than I ever damn thought was possible and that’s the truth of it.

*****

Ken:
Subject: Re: Honey In My Coffee
Smiles Antone,
Thank you for these words you have written. It is wonderful to see you again. I remember quite well when we spoke briefly in Huntsville. When I looked into your eyes at the “end” of our conversation, I was left speechless. This is quite an uncommon experience for me. Hahahaha. I loved it.

You struck some deep chords within me. Thanks.

*****

Margot:
Subject: Re: Honey In My Coffee
Antone said: “But when I think of Vicki, I always think of laughter and smiles. So now I will pose this question. Will her death certificate have “choice of disengagement” listed as the cause of death? “

Probably not, Antone, this being the official reality and all, but it should, since that’s what it was, and at least some of us understand such a weird, unofficial concept! Vic has helped us to further understand by showing us the way to leave with no pain and little fuss.

It’s nice to hear from you, Antone!

*****

Margot:
Katie writes: “Okay, we know that no longer being in our value fulfillment is a reason for disengaging. But is it the only reason? I don’t think so. I think if it is having no relationship specifically to value fulfillment, maybe it’s just a choice. That is what I am thinking with both Vic and my friend Ernie. Maybe they are both simply choosing to be lending their energy to the shift from a nonphysical state.”

Yeah....I think that’s valid, just as some people are choosing not to engage the action of this shift in consciousness. In metaphysics--but I don’t know if this is one of Elias’ concepts--it’s said that we pre-program our death date into our blueprint, in the understanding that we can change it. But I still think the choice to disengage often arises out of value fulfillment fulfilled, sts.....

*****

(From the Elias List #1582)

Ken:
Gillian wrote: “My dear dear Teddy, I feel your energy in your post and I’m filled with sadness (not a heavy sadness) I feel your sadness, I think it is because we connect strongly with each other -- it just hit me with a jolt -- it was you I was on the phone to in my dream 2-3 nights ago. I called to ask ‘whoever’ how they were doing and there was tears on the other end and all I could do was reach out in energy and warmth :}:} I’ve ‘thinking and thinking’ or who it might be these past days!! It just clicked because that was my first impulse when I read your message!!

Love you Teddybear, will my grin bring a smile between those tears? Mischievous child stroking the parent with love....”

*****

Ted:
Gillian, Thank you for the phone call the other night and for the physical call today.....I did get your message cause after posting to the list and getting a nights sleep all the tears have stopped but the missing of Vic will forever linger till I see her through the veil...

*****

Julie:
“In the same way, it is difficult for me to say how my experience of time has altered. I can “see” the world’s thought patterns as I described them and the world’s emotional forms “at once,” as you might see the clouds if you were high enough above the earth. I can also “see” my own life in the same way, in its entirety as I knew it, but also in ways that were unfamiliar to me then. The events of my own life appear open-ended to me; I see what I did, but also what I might have done, and can perceive the energy I sent out in directions that I did not take consciously. I can track my own influence then, see the thousands--no, millions--of people I affected, as each of you affects the earth and its populace in far greater terms than you realize. Each contact, direct or not, counts and ripples outward so that each person’s life sends out lines of contact intersecting with others on a psychic level, but quite practically in psychological terms. So after death, watching the tracks of one’s own influence is perhaps the most fascinating of endeavors.“

*****

Gillian: I always wondered what I would feel if someone close would die, specially with the understanding I received through Seth!!! I found out!! Yes I was extremely sad and still have my moments but I accepted easily (surprising myself)!

Margot:
Gillian, I have known people who could not accept the death of a loved one for some time, bitterly denouncing it.....but I’ve known more people who were able to accept quite easily, and I’ve always wondered why that is so. I know that a big part of it is that if we are prepared by the preceding illness of an individual that ends in death, most of the accepting is already done......whereas in the case of sudden death, we’re in shock and must adjust to that before true acceptance can take place. And then, some of the ability to speedily find acceptance within us is undoubtedly influenced by our ability to make changes....easily or not.

But I still keep wondering if, when acceptance comes easily, we hold that ability simply because there’s no other choice but to accept, ’cause death is, after all, pretty final. In my own experiences--and I’m a person who most often finds change difficult--sudden death, the kind that stuns you to the core and leaves you speechless--is no more difficult to accept than the kind that follows long illness or disability. It’s simply what is.

I also lost a child, but she had only lived a few hours after birth, and I never got acquainted with her, and this troubled me, and I kept wondering what she’d have been like. Perhaps this was some non-acceptance on my part?

A few months later, at Christmas, I glimpsed her standing in front of our Christmas tree, and I saw that she looked much like her older sisters, and when she smiled at me, I suddenly knew her just as well as I know my other chlidren. A lovely gift for me, and if I hadn’t been accepting before, I was then.

*****

Dale:
Subject: Re: In Honor of Vicki...
Margot said: Please note, Dale, that never I did not say that Vic’s death would make us stronger. What sort of bullshit is that?? My hope and belief is that our grieving, as well as our coming together in our grieving,will make us stronger.

Dale: ~ I see the same belief using different aspect imagery. Kindly express to me what you see as the difference.

Carla: I always look for reasons WHY something has happened & ultimately KNOW that there ARE reasons for all of this. We ARE now changing course...maybe only slightly, or maybe QUITE a bit. & we may be engaging certain aspects we did NOT think we possessed. This may all appear to make us STRONGER; or whatever WE choose. Anyway, it WILL be different!!

Margot had said: I believe that all of us have found “reasons” for Vic’s choice to disengage, and some of those “reasons” have been voiced here on the list.....few of which I agree with I see my own perceptions and viewpoints too clearly. And one thing I do NOT agree with is any inference that Vic disengaged in order to do something for us or for the Elias material, or to help Elias or whatever.

Dale: ~I have not even looked for a reason other than cos she wanted to......

Margot had said: Perhaps I’m being shortsighted at this point, but I foresee very little change overall, the only “difference” being that Vic will no longer be distributing transcripts.

Dale: ~I feel she did much more than simply distribute them, NOT that you are implying that. :)

*****

Sharon Sharin’:
The Bent Wheat Daily
Post Serial
December 12, 2001

90 Days
I don’t mind saying that Vic’s death was a major jolt to me. Like someone had kicked the third leg of my stool, and I came crashing down in a heap. And it took several days for me to regroup. And the first thing that struck me was the big difference in myself in three months. And according to the mass belief measuring stick, three months is not a “long enough” time, relatively speaking. Although it is a very optimal and attractive time period in some respects. Think to all those books, “How to (insert anything) in 90 days.”

So 90 days works for me, but I am always surprised when it works in a short three months. You see, three months ago I was patting myself on the back for having handled the WTC event so well. I thought the collapse was spectacular, and all those people had chosen that moment to disengage, and I watched all the death stories frozen like a couch potato for days. But basically I had handled it well, having no apparent feelings of hostility for alien things and ways of thinking.

But it was like a part of me said, “Oh Yeah?” and within a few short hours, I mean the same day, a very alien way of thinking knocked at my door, and I invited it in. And I soon found myself eating a whole hell of a lot of Halloween candy.

So my basic alien belief, which I feed an immense amount of sweets, is that aliens are very acceptable as long as they don‘t cross my mental threshold. It is much different when my own house of cards is in danger of tumbling.

And then I noticed too, that my commitment belief had been knocking at my door, calling, and sending me emails. And commitment is a very curious animal. I mean I want commitment, and as soon as it shows up, it is extremely unattractive. But I always thought commitment was etched in concrete, solid and hard. And it is not. Commitment at anytime can be reduced to rubble, and often is. So commitment is a structure I constantly rebuild.

Commitment has a flow to it like water, but yet we tend to think of commitment as being the dam. The solid structure that resists the flow and backs up the energy into an enormous lake, and when the dam can no longer hold back the still and quiet waters it cracks, and then bursts as disruptive and destructive force.

Commitment in some ways is instant judgment, etched in stone, and used to mark an area of retirement. But the way for me to get along with commitment is to change the headstone to markerboard, like I could easily erase my epitaph and write a new one at any moment.

And the third leg of my stool was of course death itself, in all forms. Suicide, accident, collateral, self-protection, dis-ease and dismemberment, and those that cannot be explained in polite society like the death of an infant. It is the deaths that have no rational justification that are the cracks in my dam. The ones where I cannot point the fickle finger of blame. It just is.

I’ve thought a lot about death lately. For some, they must see it. For some, they must touch it. Others hear it, and others yet must smell its disgusting stench. But for me, I taste it, and it is a wretched and horrible blackness, that sticks at the back of my throat and flavors those things I normally enjoy like a coating of disgust. Death’s taste is not pleasant, and yet beckons to be spoken in morbid tones. Sweets do not always appease death, for death’s taste is sour and can attract those things acidic to penetrate its thick coating.

And yet death in itself is bittersweet. It is a breath that inhales caustic and exhales euphonious. It is the fear that is bitter tart, and the ambrosia of acceptance that lingers as an aftertaste.

*****

Katie:
Subject: Re: Vic/disengagement/choice
Pat B said: “But is it the only reason? I don’t think so. I think if it is having no relationship specifically to value fulfillment, maybe it’s just a choice.”

Katie: That is what I am thinking with both Vic and my friend Ernie. Maybe they are both simply choosing to be lending their energy to the shift from a nonphysical state.

Pat B: Katie, from my own experience is that even though it LOOKS as if there could have been more value fullfillment in the focus that one is in at the moment, that possibly there is MORE fullfillment when one disengages. For instance, how many times do you think, “oh they were so in love, why would he die?” or “She has four young children, why would she choose to disengage?”

When my mother died you could have said that....but, in her passing, the challenges my brother and I had were quite beneficial (he was 11, I was 9) maybe at the other level she “knew” that she could fullfill her value even more by this act.

Now I know that many of you believe that there is no co- creation, everything is just us. Personally I don’t choose this as literally, for instance, Elias told me that my deceased husband (died at 34) was of the same essense as my deceased mother (died at 34). I had asked cos I had the feeling they were connected and somehow my mother was extending energy and help to me because of disengaging so early. I might add that when that husband came into my life, he litterally changed my life...in so many ways. Elias confirmed they were from the same essence and he sort of confirmed my idea, but I have to wait for my tape to hear his answer because if I remember right, there was more to it, or it was explained a little differently (and I may have misunderstood).

NOW, what I am trying to say, is that IF this is true, then to me that means there HAS to be some sort of agreement between focuses. It is not just us reacting to us. I hope this all makes sense. I do realize that our perceptions, our reactions and therefore our reality is our own. BUT I also believe that we can have a relationship with others and maybe help each other out (if we desire) and still maintain that we make our own reality.

Katie:
Pat, well, I’m not one to comment on what qualifies as value fulfillment or not. The only reason I know I am in my value fulfillment is because I am still here. Quite often it sure doesn’t feel like any sort of fulfillment.

Now my point is....why must disengagement hinge only on value fulfillment? Can’t there be other reasons a focus might choose to disengage? I have read a number of posts here that question “why” in terms of value fulfillment....like there had to be something “wrong”, something “lacking” for Vic to choose disengagement. I just don’t see it that way.

*****

Mikrano:
It is amazing to see all of you guys who appear in the Elias transcripts and pictures at the Elias site, talking to each other about the issues I am crunching and munching my head with alone!! So you are real and alive!!! (LOL). Sorry guys, I’m so happy to have found you!!!

Wish I had discovered this list before and get to know Vic a little more. We only exchanged jokes through e-mail whenever I created “transcript imagery” (unreadable transcripts) and asked her to send me another file.

*****

(From the Elias List #1583)

Carole:
Katie said: “Now my point is....why must disengagement hinge only on value fulfillment? Can’t there be other reasons a focus might choose to disengage? I have read a number of posts here that question “why” in terms of value fulfillment....like there had to be something “wrong”, something “lacking” for Vic to choose disengagement. Ijust don’t see it that way.”

Carole: I don’t necessarily think that it is being purported that disengagement MEANS that the person was not being value fulfilled and chose to leave...I think the postings concerning this is more a yearning to understand it more fully....other than saying....It is choice..and we create our own reality....and the choice is chosen in the moment....maybe it has to do with being able to quickly manifest what we desire...and in this reality.....the belief..therefore..the reality is...that when we choose to disengage....we cannot easily reengage as the same focus....and PLEASE dont misinterpret this as saying anyone has made a mistake.....’cause..it matters not....and there are no mistakes..but we do continuously manifest our reality.....and look at some of the things we manifest.....I am blown away by the stuff I put in my life....I will be going to the local jail tomorrow to bring my ex-husband some warm longjohns and a radio..he was just incarcerated......for failure to appear in court....charge was a hit and run while intoxicated....after he hit the two cars with his truck..he tried to leave..but the truck wouldn’t go....so then....he started to run.......but I like FUN too..I just seem to put a lot of crazy characters in my life...most of them are relatives....8-)

*****

Fran:
Margot and Gillian, true confession time. The loss of a child is something that I can hardly even imagine. When I was doing hospice volunteer work I specifically asked not to ever be placed in a situation where either a person was dying and leaving children or where a child was dying. To me this would be the greatest of griefs. I don’t respond by thinking about, “Oh, he/she is so young” - my response is “Oh, the personal loss”. I have very strong beliefs around parenthood and attachment to one’s children. And just a few weeks ago I had a very uncomfortable dream in which I had a second child (named Edward) that had died when he was young and in my dream I was feeling bad because I couldn’t really remember what he looked like any more. Oh, the grief I felt. I figured this is actually an alternate reality of mine - and god do I miss Edward!

*****

Anjuli:
Gillian, you talked about your son in your other mail (I loved that mail...snugglesmile). When my daughter was deadborn and I had her in my arms my first feeling was that of intense happiness! I was united with her, I felt her, I was not separate, and I felt like hugging her in a dance of eternal joy. Well, later the tears came. But at that moment I felt that she had not died - she was “born” into a new state! Later my nephews wanted to have a birthday party for my baby. For them she was now having birthday in heaven with the angels there, and they found that exciting and wanted to participate. So they came with their friends into my room in the hospital, one after the other, in silence lighting a candle, and then a little girl came and gave me a bunch of roses.

*****

KC:
I am feeling a sadness and a happiness that is but one emotion. And there is a hush, as if we are waiting and allowing ourselves to move with patience into a divine surprise of our own creation...Silently.

Carole:
Yes,,,,that is similar to what I am feeling...almost like....I feel like I am in the space between the actions...and it feels strangely hypnotic....sad, yet exciting...charged.....with as yet a wondering at the new direction.....we will choose......and that new direction which of course already exists in sime-time...is being created in linear time...and The energy of it is POW>>>WHAM>>BANG>>SLAM>>>and I knew it was coming....as did we all....Vic chose to participate in her way.....and we will in ours....I feel it getting bigger by the moment...and BIGGER...and B I G G E R ......love and soothing balm to all of us warriors who are facing it all WITH the knowledge Objectively.....

*****

Bri:
The way I see it, “essence” doesn’t collapse anything. Everything is and once it is, it is , and always will be, but for whatever reasons, known or unknown, we like to change our perception, perspective, outlook and therefore our imagery changes and then we decide to change our minds again and then our perception changes and our imagery changes yadda yadda yadda.

Everything just is. We have chosen wisely, I think, that in our reality, this imagery is so real, that we tend to forget it is imagery and can pretend to ourselves it is truth and it matters and our proclivity for duplicity makes it so much more intense and interesting.

Sooner or later, I guess, we all decide when we have played enough in this place and decide to choose another playground. It truly matters not. Even those of us that have deliberately chosen to forget what we know, still do know. It is just a choice. Choose to forget, or choose to remember. It matter not. Let’s all have fun!

*****

(From the Elias List #1586):

Margot:
Katie wrote: “Now my point is....why must disengagement hinge only on value fulfillment? Can’t there be other reasons a focus might choose to disengage? I have read a number of posts here that question “why” in terms of value fulfillment....like there had to be something “wrong,” something “lacking” for Vic to choose disengagement. I just don’t see it that way.“

Margot: Although I believe that value fulfillment plays an important role in disengagement, I think many individuals make the choice to disengage without checking the level of their value fulfillment, so to speak........like I sincerely doubt that VF had been reached in all the individuals disengaging in the WTC event. And I also do not believe no one uf us can gauge the VF of another individual. Actually, it isn’t anybody’s business to learn the unofficial “why” of another’s disengagement, and even when we learn the official “why,” what have we learned?

*****

Dale:
Carla writes: I always view death as quite affecting. Like I’m sure most people do. Yes, because I ALLOW it to be, like most people do.

Dale: ~Ah, now you’re getting tricky. So, if one is not quite affected by it, is it because they are not allowing? Or are you saying that most people are quite affected and they allow themselves to be? I am not much affected by it, never have been, and used to feel quite affected by guilt for NOT being quite affected. :)

Carla:
I see where you’re going with this...If I’m “feeling” affected by a death, I’m obviously allowing it to be...if I’m NOT affected by it...I simply WON’T be..& will NOT feel guilty about it!!

Dale: ~ Cool! I sometimes choose to still feel guilty about it.

Carla: I cannot explain exactly (what element) I allow to “dictate” my reaction to it. Some are MUCH more than others, for whatever my own reasons. I think I told you; HER death seemed like the final straw with me...I’ve been emotional about a lot of stuff lately & that bit of news just sent me spinning.

Dale: ~I think this has to do with our beliefs regarding relationship.

~As every moment is. We’ve gone round on this one, Carla, the looking for reasons why. The answer is always the same, for the experience. Looking for any other reason is hamstering in duplicity. If you don’t think so, start questioning why you create all the “good” things, like why you can type email, why you didn’t break your fingers, why you created a computer, why you have electricity, etc. etc. etc. --

Carla: I’m noticing, at least partially, but still automatically go into rationalizing mode. Many, many times I do NOT notice when I’m doing that (probably ’cause it’s so automatic!)

Dale: ~Yeah, it is very automatic, but I’ve found I only question WHY? in “bad” creations.

Carla:
As do I also!! That’s why “creating just for the experience” boggles me SO!! What the HELL did I create that FOR?? Wrap it up; send it BACK!! I DON’T WANT IT!! Quite in alignment with NON-acceptance I do believe!

Dale: ~Quite! But you seem quite accepting of it.

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